Forgiveness is among the hardest lessons in Christian faith. A wounded person asks why they should forgive, while onlookers may find refusal understandable. Beginning with Jesus' teaching, this article explains that forgiveness neither pretends nothing happened, excuses wrongdoing nor denies harm. It chooses no longer to let another person's sin rule you. Jesus requires forgiveness because he knows unforgiveness poisons our souls, rather than because justice does not matter. Strength to forgive comes from having first been forgiven ourselves.
Speaker: Pastor Bond
“So my heavenly Father will also do to you, if you don't each forgive your brother from your hearts for his misdeeds.” (Matthew 18:35)
Forgiveness is hard because the hurt is real.
Someone said something deeply wounding, betrayed you when you most needed help, used your trust to manipulate you, or harmed someone you love. These are no small matters solved by telling yourself to move on. They left actual wounds and drew real blood within your heart.
Being told to forgive sounds like being stabbed again. Something inside cries, “Why? They did wrong. Why must I let go?”
That response is entirely understandable. Scripture does not deny the reality of harm. Yet it offers a deeper perspective: unforgiveness harms you as well as the other person.
Someone once said, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die.”
When you refuse forgiveness, bitterness moves into your heart. You replay the incident and become angrier. Seeing the person makes you tense. Your heart is occupied, leaving little room for good things, including God's peace.
Refusing forgiveness may not impose the consequences you hope for. They may not know you are angry, or may have forgotten. Yet it chains you, often affecting those around you too. You think you are punishing them, while the old wound is actually punishing you.
Jesus wants you to forgive because he does not want bitterness ruling your whole life. Justice matters to him, and he will deal with it. Forgiveness releases the other person, but especially releases you.
Forgiveness does not pretend nothing happened. You need not say it was unimportant; that is denial. The hurt is real and your pain understandable. Forgiveness acknowledges what happened while choosing not to let it control you.
Forgiveness does not excuse wrongdoing. Forgiving does not declare the wrong right. Appropriate legal or disciplinary consequences should remain. Forgiveness concerns your heart's attitude, rather than cancelling every consequence.
Forgiveness does not immediately repair the relationship. Forgiveness can be unilateral: you may choose it without an apology. Reconciliation is mutual, requiring the other person to acknowledge wrong and change. You can forgive an abusive spouse without returning to an unsafe relationship.
Forgiveness is not always a single event. Deep injuries often require a repeated process. You release the debt today; pain returns tomorrow, and you choose again. This is the natural process of healing rather than hypocrisy.
What, then, is true forgiveness? It is a decision of the will: I choose not to exact this person's debt through deliberate curses, the silent treatment or revenge, but entrust the account to God. Uninvited painful memories do not prove you have failed to forgive.
Peter asks how often he should forgive a brother who sins against him. Would seven times suffice? He thinks seven is generous. Jesus astonishes him: “I don’t tell you until seven times, but, until seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21–22), meaning no fixed limit.
Jesus then tells a parable (Matthew 18:23–35). A servant owes a king ten thousand talents, approximately sixty million denarii—an astronomical sum no individual could repay in a lifetime, with one denarius representing a day’s wages. The king compassionately cancels it all. The servant then finds a fellow servant owing him a hundred denarii, about a hundred days’ wages; the first debt was approximately six hundred thousand times as large, seizes him by the throat and demands repayment, refusing mercy.
The king learns of this and angrily hands him over to the torturers. Jesus concludes:
“So my heavenly Father will also do to you, if you don’t each forgive your brother from your hearts for his misdeeds.” (Matthew 18:35)
The parable does not teach earning God's forgiveness by forgiving others; that would turn grace into a transaction. Yet Jesus seriously warns that persistent hardness and refusal of mercy reveal someone not genuinely living in God's forgiveness. Your debt to God is incomparably greater than anyone's debt to you. The smaller debt in the story is still real and substantial. Jesus does not trivialise the harm people cause. He calls recipients of immense grace to abandon revengeful debt-collection and receive strength to forgive from the mercy already given them.
Strength to forgive comes from having been forgiven, rather than personal generosity. Someone who truly experiences grace's depth finds forgiveness beginning to flow from within.
If forgiveness seems too difficult, look at Jesus on the cross.
Betrayed by a disciple, condemned by cries from his own people, beaten by Roman soldiers and mocked by the crowd, he says at the height of agony and humiliation:
“Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34)
These are no casual words. Someone being killed prays forgiveness for his killers. If anyone had sufficient reason not to forgive, Jesus did. Yet he chose forgiveness.
Paul brings this example directly into everyday Christian life:
“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
“Just as”: your forgiveness flows from Christ's forgiveness rather than appearing from nowhere. The more deeply you experience being forgiven, the greater your capacity to forgive.
If you currently have someone you do not want to forgive, do not condemn yourself. Forgiveness is a process, rather than a switch. Begin here.
First, be honest with God. Tell him your pain, anger and reluctance. He will not despise you. David poured out anger repeatedly in the Psalms, and God received that honesty.
Second, ask for help to become willing to be willing. Perhaps you cannot yet forgive. You can pray, “Lord, I am unwilling now, but I am willing for you to help me become willing.” That is a beginning.
Third, return to the cross. Consider the immense debt God forgave you. This does not reduce others' wrongdoing to insignificance. It shows that your strength comes from being forgiven rather than your own generosity.
Fourth, choose release again and again. Whenever bitterness or mental replay returns, choose once more: “I entrust this account to God. I will no longer be bitterness's slave.”
Dear brothers and sisters, forgiveness is difficult and does not pretend everything is fine. It is a courageous decision: I will no longer let another person's sin bind my heart. I entrust the account to God, who is more righteous and merciful than I am.
Your strength to forgive comes from having first been forgiven by the Lord who prayed from the cross, “Father, forgive them.”
Let us pray together:
Lord Jesus, you prayed forgiveness for those killing you. I admit my great weakness: someone hurt me, and bitterness has remained. Help me forgive through your grace in first forgiving me, rather than relying on my generosity. Help me entrust that account to you repeatedly. Free me from bitterness's chains and restore freedom to my heart. In your name, amen.
- When the other person refuses to acknowledge wrong: Must I Forgive Someone Who Will Not Admit Hurting Me?
- When you know you should forgive but cannot let go: I Know I Should Forgive, but I Really Cannot Let Go
- Bitterness in marriage: Refined Gold or Cold Ashes: Leaving Bitterness and Resentment in Marriage
📖 Everyday Responses of Faith · A fifteen-part series
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