The preceding article explained forgiveness, but a more painful question follows: what if the person who hurt me believes they did nothing wrong, or continues causing harm? This article distinguishes inward release from relational reconciliation. Even without an admission of wrong, you can find inward freedom by releasing bitterness while refusing to pretend the relationship is healthy. Reconciliation requires both people's participation. You need not wait for the other person to change before releasing yourself.
Speaker: Pastor Bond
How does finding inward release differ from forgiveness?
“When he was cursed, he didn't curse back. When he suffered, he didn't threaten, but committed himself to him who judges righteously.” (1 Peter 2:23)
The preceding article explored forgiveness. Yet some readers may feel more distressed afterwards:
“I understand what you are saying. But the person who hurt me does not think they did anything wrong. They have never apologised and are still hurting me. You want me to forgive? Why should I?”
This is indeed the hardest situation. The person denies, minimises or ignores the wrong, perhaps blaming your supposed oversensitivity. Your wound has not even been acknowledged, let alone repaired.
Speaking about forgiveness here requires particular gentleness and honesty.
The most important step is distinguishing two different things.
Letting go and entrusting the matter to God can happen unilaterally within your heart: refusing personal revenge or deliberate curses, leaving judgement to God and preparing to forgive if the person genuinely repents. Some call this inward forgiveness. But it does not declare the matter settled or the relationship reconciled. This step does not require their cooperation.
Reconciliation is mutual. It requires the other person to acknowledge wrong and change. Full relational restoration is impossible without that.
Even when the person refuses to admit wrong, you can inwardly release the account and entrust it to God without pretending reconciliation has occurred. You may relinquish hatred while keeping appropriate boundaries.
Jesus says, “If your brother sins against you, rebuke him. If he repents, forgive him” (Luke 17:3–4). Notice the connection with repentance. Without an admission of wrong, you cannot declare everything settled or restore the relationship. Yet you remain called to abandon personal revenge, pray for the person and entrust judgement to God. This is what this article means by letting go.
When someone refuses to acknowledge wrong, the fixation that they owe you an apology can become an invisible chain binding you to them. You imagine you are punishing them, while their sin continues punishing you.
What does letting go mean? Entrusting the account to the one who judges righteously (1 Peter 2:23). You cease appointing yourself judge because you trust the Lord, who is more righteous, to deal with it—not because justice is unimportant.
Paul gives practical instruction:
“Don't seek revenge yourselves, beloved, but give place to God's wrath. For it is written, ‘Vengeance belongs to me; I will repay, says the Lord.’” (Romans 12:19)
God is not asking you to suffer injustice unnoticed. He is saying judgement belongs to him: “You need not execute it. Let go; I will handle it.”
Entrusting judgement to God means trusting someone better able to administer justice, rather than abandoning justice. You are releasing yourself from bitterness's prison, rather than releasing the other person from their accountability before God.
Joseph's story helps distinguish refusing personal revenge from rebuilding a relationship.
His brothers envied him, sold him into slavery and told their father he was dead. He suffered more than a decade in Egypt. Later, as Egypt's chief administrator, he had complete authority over his brothers when they came for grain.
He had every means of revenge, but refused it. Nor did he immediately reveal his identity. He first tested them, heard them confess their guilt towards their brother (Genesis 42:21), and saw Judah offer to remain enslaved in Benjamin's place (Genesis 44:33). Only then did he reveal himself in tears.
Years later, after their father died, the brothers feared retaliation and asked forgiveness (Genesis 50:15–17). Joseph answered:
“Don't be afraid, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to save many people alive, as is happening today.” (Genesis 50:19–20)
“Am I in the place of God?” Joseph entrusted judgement to God. He neither denied the harm—they meant evil—nor remained imprisoned by hatred.
The story therefore teaches three things: refuse personal revenge, examine whether the person has really changed, and rebuild the relationship gradually. Before they acknowledge wrong, you can take the first step. The other two require genuine turning on their part.
Even when someone refuses admission and continues causing harm, Jesus gives an apparently impossible command:
“Love your enemies … and pray for those who … persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44)
Praying for them does not require liking their actions or permitting further harm. You choose to entrust them to God rather than hate them as an enemy, and even pray for their life. This is release in its highest form: setting aside personal debt-collection and asking God for grace for them.
It takes immense grace, beyond natural human ability. This is why we repeatedly emphasise strength arising from having first been forgiven. Deep awareness of your own undeserved forgiveness brings greater understanding of others' unworthiness.
Perhaps the most practical point is this: your freedom does not depend on their changing.
You can release inwardly without an apology, and establish boundaries against ongoing harm. Forgiveness does not mean submitting to manipulation. If harm continues, first leave danger, protect children and other family members, and seek a trusted pastor, professional counsellor or legal help. Contact the police when necessary. Even while the person still denies wrong, you can entrust the account to God and begin leaving bitterness's prison.
Psalm 37 applies:
“Don't fret because of evildoers … Rest in Yahweh, and wait patiently for him … Cease from anger, and forsake wrath. Don't fret; it leads only to evildoing.” (Psalm 37:1, 7–8)
Resting in Yahweh is the posture of release. You transfer the case to the final Judge and leave the courtroom, rather than passing sentence yourself.
Dear brothers and sisters, if the person still denies harm, refuses apology or continues hurting you, your struggle is understandable. You need not pretend everything is fine or reconciliation has occurred.
But you can release the account inwardly. God knows the truth better and is better able to handle it. Your freedom need not await their change. Begin one step today. Emerging from bitterness is often a long journey; you need not pretend to be completely free already.
Let us pray together:
Lord, that person hurt me and still refuses to admit it. I am deeply wounded and reluctant to let go. I will not pretend nothing happened, but I do not want bitterness to imprison me for life. Today I entrust this account to you, the righteous Judge who knows the whole truth. I trust that vengeance belongs to you and that you will repay in your way and time. Release me from hatred's chains and restore freedom. Have mercy on that person and, if possible, change their heart too. In the name of the Lord Jesus, amen.
- What forgiveness is and is not: Why Does Jesus Require Forgiveness? What Is True Forgiveness?
- When you know you should forgive but cannot let go: I Know I Should Forgive, but I Really Cannot Let Go
- Bitterness in marriage: Refined Gold or Cold Ashes: Leaving Bitterness and Resentment in Marriage
📖 Everyday Responses of Faith · A fifteen-part series
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