Does a good husband produce a good wife, or a good wife a good husband? Beneath that debate lies a deeper question: who should take the first step towards change in marriage? Emerson Eggerichs gives a striking answer, and Scripture supplies a deeper reason.
Speaker: Pastor Bond
“Don't be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what is the good, well-pleasing, and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:2)
Does a good man come first and make a good woman, or the reverse?
Believers debate it endlessly.
One side says husbands head the household and must lead change, rather than women leading men. Another says a good wife blesses three generations and a bad one ruins three: a good wife makes a good husband and household.
Both sound reasonable. Who should begin?
In Love & Respect, Emerson Eggerichs says:
The person who should change first is the one who considers either themselves or the other the more mature and thoughtful person.
Its brilliance is that it closes every escape.
First case: you consider yourself more mature and wise. Change first because you have greater capacity. How could a wise person expect someone considered foolish or weak to change first and then lead them?
Second case: you consider the other more mature and right. Change first again: recognising their better conduct naturally calls for relinquishing resistance and correcting yourself.
Either assessment reaches the same conclusion: the person most needing your attention to change is yourself.
If a husband, let the good man come first; if a wife, let the good woman come first. Begin with becoming better yourself, and better days follow.
That protest is deeply real.
The answer goes beyond fairness; judged simply by fairness, you should not have to begin. There is a deeper reason:
“Each counting others better than himself; each of you not just looking to his own things, but each of you also to the things of others.” (Philippians 2:3–4)
Paul describes a posture rather than a mathematical ranking. In Christ, maturity equips you to bend first, rather than prove yourself right.
Could Jesus have asked why it had to be him in Gethsemane? Certainly. Yet he said, “Not what I desire, but what you desire.”
Changing first chooses to break a deadlock, rather than admitting defeat.
This is a spiritual principle, beyond comforting words.
Hard hearts refuse change; soft hearts desire formation.
“God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5)
The first to soften before God enters grace first. Not because you were right and they were wrong, but because relinquishing the contest over who goes first leaves room for God's work, first within you and then through you towards your spouse.
Jesus asks:
“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but don't consider the beam that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3)
The other's problem remains real, but your beam obstructs your vision more. Remove it first to see clearly.
Change first to become more like Jesus, rather than simply for a husband or wife.
“Be therefore imitators of God, as beloved children. Walk in love, even as Christ also loved us and gave himself up for us.” (Ephesians 5:1–2)
Your motivation comes from Christ first changing everything for you, rather than the other's deserving it. He died while you were unworthy: the final answer about who begins.
God took the initiative in love and brought change. While you remained rebellious, he loved first; his holy and faithful nature did not change.
Instead of asking who should change first, ask whether you are willing for God to change you first.
This concerns pride and self-centredness in everyday relationships. It does not require someone suffering violence, coercion or abuse to change themselves first or continue enduring harm. If you are in danger, protect yourself and your children, seek help from a trusted pastor and professional services, and contact the police as needed.
May the God who first changed us work in your marriage. May you bend first because the one bending is nearest grace, rather than from weakness.
📖 Building a Family · A thirteen-part series
This article was inspired by material shared on the WeChat video channel Sister He's Love of Reading and was compiled and published with permission.
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