The Early Years of Marriage, Lesson 6. Read 1 Cor 13. "Love is patient" was read at your wedding; after marriage you find you simply can't live up to it, and feel guilty and discouraged.
Main passage: 1 Cor 13
At the wedding we read "Love is patient and is kind," and after marriage we discover we simply can't live up to it. Paul originally wrote this to call a church full of quarrels to love; all of us fall short before it. Christ lived out self-giving love perfectly, and he first loved us and forgave us. "We love him, because he first loved us": when we can't do it, we don't put this passage away, nor do we push on out of guilt; we learn, day by day, in grace and with the help of the Spirit.
At many Christian weddings, 1 Corinthians 13 is read. "Love is patient and is kind; love doesn't envy. Love doesn't brag, is not proud": line by line it is read aloud, and the guests are moved. But a year or two into marriage, reading the passage again leaves a bitter taste: patient? This morning I shouted at him over nothing. Takes no account of evil? I still remember every word she said three years ago. Guilt and discouragement come, and we almost dread reading it again.
In fact, Paul did not write this passage for weddings. The church in Corinth was richly gifted and full of quarrels: some prided themselves on speaking in tongues, some boasted of their knowledge, brothers took each other to court, and at the Lord's Supper some got drunk while others went hungry. In the middle of teaching about spiritual gifts, Paul paused to write this chapter:
If I speak with the languages of men and of angels, but don't have love, I have become sounding brass, or a clanging cymbal. (1 Corinthians 13:1)
However many gifts, however much knowledge and faith, even self-sacrifice, without love they count for nothing (1 Corinthians 13:2-3). Then he describes what love looks like:
Love is patient and is kind; love doesn't envy. Love doesn't brag, is not proud, (1 Corinthians 13:4)
doesn't behave itself inappropriately, doesn't seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; (1 Corinthians 13:5)
These words were originally written to believers who couldn't stand one another, and they fit marriage just as well, because marriage is two sinners living together at the closest range. It is perfectly normal to read this passage and feel we can't do it: Paul wrote it precisely so that the Corinthians would see what they were lacking.
This passage is first of all a call to believers to actually love; reading it, we all fall short. But we do not face this call alone. Christ lived out self-giving love perfectly: he was patient with Peter, did not seek his own way on the cross, and gave his life for us. John says:
We love him, because he first loved us. (1 John 4:19)
We did not first learn to love like this so that God would love us; he first loved us and forgave us in Christ. So when we can't do it, we don't need to put the passage away; we come back to him: admitting our lack, receiving his forgiveness, asking the Spirit to bear this fruit in us, and learning again, day by day.
Nor does this passage ask anyone to put up with everything. Verse 6 says love "doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth." "Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7) does not mean pretending not to see hitting, threats, control or an affair; love rejoices with the truth, so harm must be named and stopped, and those who are harmed need safety and help.
Finally, Paul says "Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:8), and "now faith, hope, and love remain—these three. The greatest of these is love" (1 Corinthians 13:13). Love in marriage rises and falls, but God's love never fails. It is within this never-failing love that we learn to love the one person beside us.
1. This passage was originally written to a church. 1 Corinthians 12-14 is about spiritual gifts, with chapter 13 in the middle. The church in Corinth had many gifts and many quarrels; Paul wanted them to see that without love, all the gifts count for nothing. Using it for marriage is an application.
2. Love shows itself in action. In 13:4-7 Paul mostly describes love by what it does and doesn't do: patient, kind, not envious, not bragging, not easily provoked, taking no account of evil.
3. "Doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth." 13:6 shows that this love does not tolerate everything; it stands with the truth.
4. Call and grace. This passage is first of all a call to the church to actually love, not a hidden portrait of Christ; but Christ lived out self-giving love perfectly, and first loved us and forgave us (1 John 4:19), and that is where our strength to learn comes from.
5. Love never fails. 13:8-13 says that gifts will cease and knowledge is partial, but faith, hope and love remain, and the greatest of these is love.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: Of the weddings you've been to, what part stays with you most? (First-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light: the groom crying as he read his vows, a father giving away his daughter, someone reading a passage of Scripture. Then add one sentence: the words at a wedding are beautiful; living them out day by day is the hard part.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers 1 Corinthians 13. Paul says: if I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, have prophetic powers, have all faith so as to remove mountains, even give away all I have to the poor, but have not love, I am nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast, is not arrogant or rude, does not insist on its own way, is not irritable, keeps no record of wrongs, does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth; it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. Now faith, hope and love remain, and the greatest of these is love. We'll compare this with 1 John 4: we love, because God first loved us. Today we're talking together about the passage read at our wedding that we find we can't live up to.
1. Read verses 1-3. What does Paul say counts for nothing "without love"?
Leader note: Speaking in the tongues of men and angels, the gift of prophecy, understanding mysteries and knowledge, all faith, giving away everything to the poor, giving one's body to be burned.
2. Read verses 4-7. What words does Paul use to describe love? Which are "is," and which are "is not"?
Leader note: Is: patient, kind, rejoices with the truth, bears, believes, hopes, endures all things. Is not: envious, bragging, proud, behaving inappropriately, seeking its own way, easily provoked, keeping account of evil, rejoicing in unrighteousness.
3. Read verses 8-13, then 1 John 4:19. What will cease? What remains? Why does John say we are able to love?
Leader note: Prophecy, tongues and knowledge will cease; faith, hope and love remain, and the greatest is love. We love because he first loved us.
4. This passage was originally a call to a church full of quarrels to love. Reading "Love is patient," we often feel we can't do it. Christ lived out self-giving love perfectly, and first loved us (1 John 4:19); how does this change the way we feel when we read it?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. This passage is first of all a call, not a hidden portrait of Christ; we all fall short before it. Christ lived out self-giving love perfectly: patient with Peter, not seeking his own way on the cross. We did not first learn to love like this so that God would love us; he first loved us and forgave us. When we can't do it, we don't push on out of guilt; we come back to him and ask for the Spirit's help, rather than putting the passage away.
5. "We love him, because he first loved us." In ordinary life together, where the relationship is safe, what might it look like for someone loved by Christ to learn to "take no account of evil" and not be "provoked"? Where does the strength come from? How is this different from overlooking harm and letting it go?
Leader note: In ordinary life together where the relationship is safe: not dragging up the past; pausing when angry; apologising for losing your temper; naming something good in the other person. The strength comes from first being loved and forgiven, and from the Spirit bearing fruit in us (Galatians 5:22-23), not from gritting our teeth. Also make clear: love does not rejoice in unrighteousness (13:6); "takes no account of evil" does not cancel exposing, stopping, holding to account or seeking help; where there is hitting, threatening or control, the person harmed does not need to apologise first.
6. Verse 6 says love "doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth." How does this help us understand "bears all things" and "endures all things"?
Leader note: This love stands with the truth; it does not pretend not to see harm. What it bears with is weakness and difference, not hitting, threats, control or an affair; these must be named and stopped, and those harmed need safety and help.
7. Of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, which line do I find hardest to live out? (Talk about yourself; if you'd rather not talk, you can just listen; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: The leader shares first. Just listen; don't comment, and don't give people advice.
8. In ordinary life together where the relationship is safe, in what small thing are you willing this week to learn to live out that line?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics, only in ordinary life together where the relationship is safe; it is not to be used to hide harm, give up on accountability, or keep enduring control: don't drag up the past once; pause for ten seconds when you feel anger rising; apologise for losing your temper once; thank God this week for one good thing in the other person. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 slowly, then 1 John 4:19, and everyone is silent for two minutes. In your heart, think about how Christ has loved us, then tell God the line you find hardest to live out. Those willing can pray a sentence or two: thanking Christ for loving us like this, admitting their own lack, or asking the Spirit to bear the fruit of love in them. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person's home. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Lord Jesus, you are patient and kind with us; you did not seek your own way, you bore our sins, so that in you we are forgiven. We confess that we often fail to live out the words read at our weddings. Thank you for loving us first; forgive us, let your Spirit bear the fruit of love in us, and teach us day by day to love the people beside us like this. And protect those who are being hurt at home; let love and truth go together. In your name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
If you came as a couple, each think about these first at home, then tell each other. If you came alone, you can think only about question 1 and take it to prayer.
Share question 2 first, then question 1. One speaks and the other only listens, without interrupting or seizing the chance to say "you can't do it either." When they finish, say, "Thank you for telling me." If there is hitting or threatening at home, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “Marriage Is a Lifelong Covenant” in the Harmony in Marriage series (Genesis 2:18–25), or “Love One Another: The Mark of a Disciple” in the Love One Another: Life Together in the Body of Christ series (John 13:31–35).