The Early Years of Marriage, Lesson 4. Read Exod 18:1-12. Friction with in-laws, whose family to visit at New Year, grandparents moving in to help with the baby, whose word counts—and the couple caught in the middle.
Main passage: Exod 18:1-12
When Moses' father-in-law came, Moses went out to meet him, "bowed and kissed him. They asked each other of their welfare," and Moses told him all the ways Yahweh had delivered them. Marriage means "leave father and mother and join with your spouse," but leaving does not mean no longer seeing them. Parents on both sides are to be honoured and thanked; their good advice can be heeded, and they can see the God we believe in; yet decisions for the home are made together by husband and wife before God.
After marriage, each person gains another pair of parents. A mother-in-law complains that her daughter-in-law can't cook, another that her son-in-law doesn't earn enough; every year there is the question of whose family to visit at New Year; when a child arrives, the grandparents move in to help, with opinions on everything from how to feed the baby and how many layers to dress them in to whether to sign up for early-learning classes. The couple are caught in the middle: on one side the parents who raised me, on the other the spouse I will spend my life with. "Your mum's at it again..." is often how a fight begins.
Exodus 18 records a little-noticed exchange between a man and his father-in-law. Moses' father-in-law Jethro, a priest of Midian, heard of all that God had done for Israel, and came into the wilderness bringing Moses' wife Zipporah and their two sons (Exodus 18:1-5). How did Moses receive him?
Moses went out to meet his father-in-law, and bowed and kissed him. They asked each other of their welfare, and they came into the tent. (Exodus 18:7)
By this time Moses was already the leader who had brought Israel out of Egypt; he went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed before him. This was the respect for elders of that time. Then he did something even more important:
Moses told his father-in-law all that Yahweh had done to Pharaoh and to the Egyptians for Israel's sake, all the hardships that had come on them on the way, and how Yahweh delivered them. (Exodus 18:8)
He didn't just exchange pleasantries; he told his father-in-law about all the hardships of the way and God's deliverance. Jethro "rejoiced" (Exodus 18:9), said "Blessed be Yahweh" (Exodus 18:10), offered a burnt offering, and with Aaron and the elders of Israel came "to eat bread with Moses' father-in-law before God" (Exodus 18:12). A family visit became a meal shared by two families before God.
The next day Jethro saw Moses judging the people alone from morning till evening, and said, "The thing that you do is not good... the thing is too heavy for you. You are not able to perform it yourself alone" (Exodus 18:17-18), and gave him good advice about sharing the work through layers of leaders. The text says, "So Moses listened to the voice of his father-in-law, and did all that he had said" (Exodus 18:24). Jethro himself said it should be done only if "God commands you so" (Exodus 18:23). This time Jethro's advice was sound, and Moses took it; that does not mean elders' views are automatically right. Today we still need to weigh them by Scripture, the facts, the shared wishes of husband and wife, and safety.
Genesis 2 says, "Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother, and will join with his wife, and they will be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Leaving father and mother and joining with one's wife establishes a new home. Applied today, husband and wife should take responsibility together for the decisions of their own home, and not let either set of parents decide for them. But leaving is not cutting off. Between Moses and his father-in-law there was respect, sharing, worship together, and humble listening.
In a young home today, we can learn a few things. First, respect: welcome them properly, address them properly, remember both parents' birthdays and health. Second, sharing: don't only report that all is well, but tell them what God is doing in this home, especially parents who don't yet believe. Third, listening: elders' views are not automatically right, but often have something worth taking; when they are sound, you can thank them and take them. Fourth, unity: when there is disagreement, the couple first talk it through behind closed doors and then speak gently to the parents together; each person talks to their own parents rather than leaving their spouse to face them. Fifth, not taking sides: don't take your spouse's matters to your parents to complain, nor your parents' matters to your spouse; telling a trustworthy person the truth in order to seek safety and help is a different matter. All of this assumes contact is safe; those whose relationship with their parents has broken down or who have been hurt by them need not force contact.
One more distinction: you can disagree with an elder's opinion, but if an elder hits, threatens, withholds documents or money, forbids you to see others, or uses threats of cutting off contact to pressure you, that is not "a family matter"; put safety first and find help.
1. Zipporah and the children return. 18:2 says Zipporah had been "sent away" by Moses earlier; the text doesn't explain why, and we won't make up a story.
2. Honouring elders. In 18:7 Moses goes out to meet him, bows, kisses him and asks after his welfare. This was the courtesy toward elders in that time.
3. Telling what God has done. In 18:8 Moses tells his father-in-law of all the hardships on the way and Yahweh's deliverance; in 18:9-11 Jethro rejoices and blesses Yahweh.
4. Eating bread before God. In 18:12 Jethro offers sacrifices and eats with Aaron and the elders before God. The meeting of two families became worship together.
5. Good advice this time. In 18:13-24 Jethro advises Moses to share the work through layers of leaders, and Moses takes his advice; this does not mean elders' views are automatically right; Jethro himself says it should be done only if "God commands you so" (18:23). This lesson's main reading ends at verse 12; the later section can be mentioned in discussion.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: The first time you ate at your partner's (or a friend's) family home, what stood out most? (First-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light: the food was too salty, you were asked about your salary, an auntie kept piling food on your plate. Then add one sentence: every family has its own ways, and we bring our own family's ways into marriage.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers Exodus 18:1-12. Moses' father-in-law Jethro, the priest of Midian, heard of all that God had done for Israel, and brought Moses' wife Zipporah and their two sons to the place in the wilderness where Moses was encamped. Moses went out to meet his father-in-law, bowed and kissed him, and they asked after each other's welfare; then Moses told him all that Yahweh had done to Pharaoh, all the hardships on the way, and how Yahweh had delivered them. Jethro rejoiced, said blessed be Yahweh, offered a burnt offering, and ate a meal before God with Aaron and the elders of Israel. We'll compare this with Genesis 2: a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Today we're talking together about the parents on both sides.
1. Read verses 1-6. Who was Jethro? What had he heard? Whom did he bring?
Leader note: Moses' father-in-law, the priest of Midian; he had heard all that God had done for Israel; he brought Moses' wife Zipporah and their two sons. You can mention that the text doesn't say why Zipporah had been sent away earlier.
2. Read verses 7-8. How did Moses receive his father-in-law? What did he tell him?
Leader note: He went out to meet him, bowed, kissed him, asked after his welfare, and they went into the tent together; he told him all that Yahweh had done to Pharaoh, the hardships of the way, and Yahweh's deliverance.
3. Read verses 9-12, then Genesis 2:24. How did Jethro respond? How did the visit end? What does Genesis say about marriage?
Leader note: He rejoiced, blessed Yahweh, offered a burnt offering, and ate a meal before God with Aaron and the elders. Genesis says a man will leave his father and mother and join with his wife, and they will be one flesh.
4. Genesis says a man will "leave his father and his mother, and will join with his wife," yet Moses received and honoured his father-in-law warmly, and shared God's deeds with him. How can "leaving father and mother" and "honouring father and mother" both be true? In a young home today, what does "leaving" actually mean?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. Genesis 2:24 says a man leaves father and mother and joins with his wife, establishing a new home; applied today, husband and wife take responsibility together for their home's decisions and don't let either set of parents decide for them, but leaving is not cutting off; they still honour, thank and care for their parents. In practice: big decisions are discussed by the couple first; each talks to their own parents; don't use family matters to make others take sides. Where an elder is harming or pressuring someone, telling a trustworthy person the truth to seek safety and help is a different matter.
5. Moses told his father-in-law "all the hardships that had come on them on the way, and how Yahweh delivered them," and Jethro blessed Yahweh. How can we share what God is doing in our home with the parents on both sides (especially those who don't yet believe)?
Leader note: Don't just report that all is well or exchange pleasantries; share real difficulties and God's help; don't preach, tell your experience. Share meals and festivals, and live out respect and gratitude in front of them.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) This time Jethro's advice was sound, and Moses took it (Exodus 18:13-24); Jethro also said it should be done only if "God commands you so." How can we weigh the views of elders?
Leader note: Elders' views are not automatically right, nor automatically wrong; weigh them by Scripture, the facts, the couple's shared wishes and safety. Sound advice can be thanked for and taken, and the couple decide together. When you disagree, explain gently; there's no need to argue to their face, nor to go along against your judgement.
7. In relating to the parents on both sides, what is one thing I myself most need to change? (Siding with my own parents? Not keeping in touch? Not letting my spouse have a say?... talk about yourself; if you'd rather not talk, you can just listen; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: The leader shares first. Just listen; don't comment on other people's parents.
8. Where contact is safe and we are willing, what one thing are we willing to do this week for the parents on both sides? (Those whose relationship with their parents has broken down or who have been hurt by them can just listen, or pray for their own peace)
Leader note: Lead toward specifics, only where contact is safe: call your spouse's parents to ask after them; agree first as a couple on one thing to talk about with the grandparents, then go and say it together; tell your parents one thing God has done in your home. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read Exodus 18:7-12 slowly, then Genesis 2:24, and everyone is silent for a minute. Those willing can mention their parents or in-laws by how they refer to them (no need to give names), and the group prays for them together: for their health, and that they may know God. You can also ask God for wisdom for husband and wife to be of one mind. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person's home. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Father, thank you for the good upbringing and care you have given us through parents and elders. Help us honour and thank them, and let them see your work in our lives. Give husbands and wives wisdom to be of one mind, to discuss big decisions together, and to speak gently to their elders. Open the hearts of parents who don't yet believe. And heal and protect those who have been hurt by parents or elders, or are being pressured now. In Jesus's name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
If you came as a couple, each think about these first at home, then tell each other. If you came alone, you can think only about question 1 and take it to prayer.
When you exchange answers, one speaks and the other only listens, without defending your own parents or judging the other's. When they finish, say back what you heard in your own words. If there is hitting or threatening at home, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “United as a Couple, at Peace with Both Families” in the Harmony in Marriage series (Ruth 1:6–18), or “Leaving Father and Mother: Betrothal Gifts, the Marital Home and Two Families' Expectations” in the Preparing for Marriage series (Genesis 24:50–67).