The Early Years of Marriage, Lesson 3. Read John 13:1-17. Housework, cooking and childcare are all quietly being counted; whoever does more feels hard done by, and the first words out are "Why is it always me?"
Main passage: John 13:1-17
Jesus, "knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands," rose from supper, wrapped a towel around his waist, and washed the disciples' feet. He said, "If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet." Housework, cooking and childcare are where secret score-keeping most easily creeps in. Those who have been served by Christ can stop counting who does more and learn to serve one another; and "one another" does not mean one person doing it all.
In a newly married home, the first fights are often not about big things but about housework. Who cooks, who washes up, who takes out the rubbish, who gets up for the baby at night. Both of you work, both are tired after work, yet both are quietly keeping accounts: I cooked today, and he just scrolled on his phone; I did the laundry three times last week, and she did it once. The more carefully the accounts are kept, the more aggrieved you feel, and the first thing out of your mouth is "Why is it always me?" In some homes, it's assumed from the start that housework belongs to one person, and the other "helps" a little and expects to be praised for it.
John 13 is the night Jesus was betrayed. The chapter begins by saying that Jesus, "having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end" (John 13:1). Then it describes something quite unexpected:
Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he came from God, and was going to God, (John 13:3)
arose from supper, and laid aside his outer garments. He took a towel, and wrapped a towel around his waist. (John 13:4)
He poured water into a basin, washed the disciples' feet one by one, and dried them with the towel around his waist (John 13:5). In those days, washing feet was usually a servant's job. John sets Jesus' glory and his stooping to wash feet side by side, letting us see that serving others did not lower his standing. We can draw an application from this: those who have their identity in Christ can learn not to prove their worth by how much housework they do.
Peter refused: "You will never wash my feet!" Jesus answered, "If I don't wash you, you have no part with me" (John 13:8). These words point first to Jesus' work of cleansing people: to have a part in Christ, we must first let him cleanse us. From this we can draw a more distant application to marriage: serving is not one-way, and we can also humbly receive our spouse's appropriate care. Some people are very good at doing things but bad at receiving care, always feeling they owe a favour; others are good at receiving but don't give back.
When he had finished, Jesus said:
If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. (John 13:14)
"One another" is the key to this sentence. Jesus did not say, "the weakest among you should wash the others' feet," but "wash one another's feet." In a home, serving is not one person always doing while the other always waits to be served; it is not that one role means doing more, or a busy job means doing nothing. Paul says too, "through love be servants to one another" (Galatians 5:13).
This doesn't mean there's no need to discuss sharing the housework. On the contrary, a home that serves one another can sit down and talk openly: what are each person's working hours, energy and strengths, which jobs to do together, which to take turns. The aim is not to settle who owes whom, but to make sure neither person is crushed. Those who have first been served by Christ can stop keeping accounts; and not keeping accounts doesn't mean pretending not to be tired. When you're tired, you can say so and ask for help.
One more thing needs to be distinguished: serving one another is entirely different from one person being ordered about like a servant, criticised however much they do, and shouted at or hit if they don't. The latter is harm and control, not something "doing a bit more" can fix. Put safety first and find help.
1. "He loved them to the end." 13:1 opens the passage: the foot-washing expresses Jesus' love, and the cross follows close behind.
2. Glory and stooping side by side. 13:3-4 first says Jesus knew that the Father had given all things into his hands, and then he rose to wash feet. John sets the two side by side so that we see serving did not lower his standing; the text doesn't describe what he felt inside.
3. Receiving service. In 13:6-10 Peter refuses at first, and Jesus says, "If I don't wash you, you have no part with me." This points first to Jesus' work of cleansing; to have a part in Christ we must first be cleansed by him. Applying it to spouses receiving care from each other is a more distant application.
4. "Wash one another's feet." In 13:14-15 Jesus gives his disciples an example and tells them to wash one another's feet. The emphasis is on "one another."
5. Serve one another in love. Galatians 5:13 says we were called to freedom, not to indulgence, but to serve one another through love.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: Of all the household chores, which do you like most and which do you dread most? (First-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light: some like cooking but dread washing up, others like mopping but dread folding clothes. Then add one sentence: maybe two people can complement each other perfectly.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers John 13:1-17. Before the Passover, Jesus knew his hour had come to leave this world and go to the Father; having loved his own, he loved them to the end. During supper, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, he got up from the meal, wrapped a towel around his waist, poured water into a basin and washed the disciples' feet. Peter said: you shall never wash my feet. Jesus said: unless I wash you, you have no part with me. When he had finished, Jesus said: I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet; you also ought to wash one another's feet; I have given you an example. We'll compare this with Galatians 5: through love serve one another. Today we're talking together about who does more at home.
1. Read verses 1-5. Before washing the disciples' feet, what does the text say Jesus knew? What did he do next?
Leader note: He knew his time had come to depart to the Father, that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he came from God and was going to God; he rose from supper, wrapped a towel around his waist, washed the disciples' feet and dried them with the towel.
2. Read verses 6-11. Why wouldn't Peter let Jesus wash his feet? How did Jesus answer?
Leader note: Peter said, "You will never wash my feet!"; Jesus said, "If I don't wash you, you have no part with me."
3. Read verses 12-17, then Galatians 5:13. What does Jesus tell the disciples to do, following his example? What does Paul say?
Leader note: Wash one another's feet; through love be servants to one another.
4. John sets Jesus "knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands" side by side with his rising to wash the disciples' feet. How does this shape the way we see "serving" and "identity"? When we keep very careful accounts at home, what are we often afraid of?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. Serving did not lower Jesus' standing; the text doesn't describe what he felt inside, and the application we draw is that those whose identity is in Christ need not prove themselves by how much housework they do. We keep accounts because we fear losing out, not being seen, or our effort not counting. Those served by Christ and loved by him to the end can stop protecting themselves by keeping accounts. Also make clear: not keeping accounts doesn't mean pretending not to be tired; when you're tired, you can say so.
5. Jesus said, "you also ought to wash one another's feet," and Paul says, "through love be servants to one another." What does "one another" suggest about how a couple shares the housework? When Jesus said to Peter, "If I don't wash you, you have no part with me," what was he saying first of all?
Leader note: "One another" doesn't mean one person always doing while the other is always served, nor that a particular role means doing more. Couples can discuss sharing the work openly, so that neither is crushed. Jesus' words to Peter point first to his work of cleansing: to have a part in Christ we must first be cleansed by him. A more distant application: serving is not one-way, and humbly receiving your spouse's appropriate care is a lesson too.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) What are the visible differences between "serving one another" and "one person being ordered about like a servant"?
Leader note: Serving one another is mutual, notices the other person, allows you to say you're tired, and can be discussed. Being ordered about means only one person does the work, is criticised however much they do, is shouted at or even hit if they don't, and has their money controlled too. The latter is harm and control; put safety first and find help.
7. At home (or with the people I live with), which account am I most often keeping in my head? (Talk about yourself; if you'd rather not talk, you can just listen; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: The leader shares first. Just listen; don't comment, and don't draw conclusions about anyone else's family.
8. In everyday life together, where the relationship is safe, both are willing, and it won't bring retaliation, are you willing this week to "wash the feet" of your spouse once without keeping count? Or to sit down and openly discuss sharing the work?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics, only in everyday life together where the relationship is safe, both are willing, and it won't bring retaliation; where there is being ordered about, control or harm, don't do these practices, and seek help on your own first: quietly do one job the other person usually does; receive the other's care once and simply say thank you; sit down, list the household jobs and discuss them together. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read John 13:3-5 and 13:14-15 slowly, then everyone is silent for a minute. Those willing can pray a sentence or two: thanking Jesus for serving us, admitting their own score-keeping heart, or asking God for a home where people serve one another. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person's home. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Lord Jesus, you knew that the Father had given all things into your hands, yet you stooped to wash our feet, and gave your life for us. We confess that at home we often keep secret accounts, afraid of losing out and of not being seen. Help us to rest in your love, to learn to serve one another, and to learn to receive each other's care. Give us hearts to talk things through openly, so that neither of us is crushed. And protect those at home who are ordered about and harmed. In your name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
If you came as a couple, each think about these first at home, then tell each other. If you came alone, you can think only about question 1 and take it to prayer.
Share question 2 first, then question 1. One speaks and the other only listens, without defending yourself or immediately counting back. When they finish, say, "Thank you for telling me." If there is hitting or threatening at home, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “Mutual Submission, as Christ Loves the Church” in the Harmony in Marriage series (Ephesians 5:21–33), or “Bear One Another's Burdens — and Carry Your Own Load” in the Love One Another: Life Together in the Body of Christ series (Galatians 6:1–5).