The Early Years of Marriage, Lesson 2. Read Gen 3:6-13. After your first big fight neither of you admits fault; each thinks the problem is the other, and a scar is left behind.
Main passage: Gen 3:6-13
After humanity's first sin, Adam said, "The woman whom you gave to be with me," and Eve said, "The serpent deceived me"; neither owned their own share. After a newly married couple's first big fight, the words most often heard are "It's all your fault." God called to the people who were hiding, "Where are you?"; Proverbs says, "whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy." In this grace, we can own our share first and learn to repair.
Six months into marriage, the first real fight. It might be over whose family to visit at New Year, a sum of money spent without discussion, or just one sentence said too harshly. Voices get louder, a door slams, one sleeps in the bedroom and the other on the sofa. The next day no one mentions it, and life goes on, but a scar remains: so this is what he's like when he's angry; so she can say something that hurtful. Worse still, afterwards each feels the fault lies with the other: if you hadn't said that first, I wouldn't have reacted like that.
Genesis 3 is humanity's first sin, and also the first couple's first blame-shifting. The woman saw "that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes," took some and ate, "and she gave some to her husband with her, and he ate it, too" (Genesis 3:6). The text says that both of them ate.
What happens next is familiar to many couples: they covered themselves with fig leaves, and hid among the trees of the garden (Genesis 3:7-8). Shame makes people cover up; fear makes them hide. Then God came:
Yahweh God called to the man, and said to him, "Where are you?" (Genesis 3:9)
The text shows us God calling out to the man who was hiding, asking where he was and what had happened; the man had a chance to answer, but said:
The man said, "The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit from the tree, and I ate it." (Genesis 3:12)
In one sentence he blamed his wife, and in a roundabout way blamed God too: "whom you gave." The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate" (Genesis 3:13). What both said was true: the woman did give him the fruit, and the serpent did deceive. Yet neither said, "I was wrong." Blame-shifting is often not lying; it simply picks out the other person's share and hides one's own.
What a newly married couple looks like after a fight is very like the garden: covering up, hiding, picking out the other's faults. "If you hadn't...", "If your mum didn't...", "You knew I was tired..." Each line has some truth in it, but argue like this and you never get anywhere.
Proverbs offers another way:
He who conceals his sins doesn't prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. (Proverbs 28:13)
Confessing doesn't mean all the blame is mine; it means first naming the share that is mine: "What I said was too harsh," "I spent that money without asking," with no "but" and no "you did too." Renouncing means not only apologising, but being willing to change. Where does the courage for this come from? From the God who came looking for people. In the same chapter, God announced the consequences of sin, and with his own hands "made coats of animal skins for Adam and for his wife, and clothed them" (Genesis 3:21); later he sent his own Son to die on the cross for our sins. We no longer need to cover up, because before him, those who confess find mercy.
The scar left by a first big fight doesn't have to stay forever. In ordinary conflict, where the relationship is safe, both respect a pause, and it won't bring retaliation, you can look back on that fight together when you are both calm: each own your share, say what you really cared about at the time, and agree together how you'll argue next time. If there was violence, intimidation, smashing things to frighten, or being forced to admit fault, don't arrange to go back over it, and don't ask the hurt person to look for their own share first; seek help on your own first.
Finally, a distinction: in ordinary, equal conflict where the relationship is safe, both people can examine their own share and learn to repair together; but hitting, smashing things to frighten, threats, or forcing the other person to apologise and admit fault afterwards are not "arguments," and the person harmed does not need to confess for someone else's violence. When you face these, put safety first and find help.
1. Both of them ate. 3:6 says the woman ate, gave some to her husband with her, and he ate too. The text does not place the responsibility on one person only.
2. Covering and hiding. In 3:7-8 they covered themselves with fig leaves and hid among the trees. Sin brings shame and fear.
3. "Where are you?" In 3:9 God calls out to the man who was hiding. The text doesn't explain the purpose of the question; it only lets us see that the man was given a chance to answer.
4. What blame-shifting looks like. In 3:12-13 the man blames "the woman whom you gave," and the woman blames the serpent. What they say is part of the truth, yet neither owns their own share.
5. The consequences of sin and God's mercy. 3:14-19 announces the consequences of sin; in 3:21 God makes garments of skin to clothe them. This lesson reads only to verse 13; the grace that follows can be mentioned in discussion.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: As a child, when you got into trouble, what excuse did you use most? ("My brother started it," "It just fell off by itself"... first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light; a laugh is fine. Then add one sentence: making excuses seems to come naturally to us.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers Genesis 3:6-13. The woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and a delight to the eyes, took some and ate, and gave some to her husband, and he ate too. Their eyes were opened, they knew they were naked, and they sewed fig leaves into coverings. In the cool of the day Yahweh God was walking in the garden, and they hid among the trees. God called to the man: where are you? The man said: I heard your voice and was afraid, so I hid. God asked: have you eaten from the tree I commanded you not to eat from? The man said: the woman you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit from the tree, and I ate. The woman said: the serpent deceived me, and I ate. We'll compare this with Proverbs 28: whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Today we're talking together about life after the first big fight.
1. Read verses 6-8. Who ate the fruit? What did they do after eating?
Leader note: The woman ate, then gave some to her husband, and he ate too; they made coverings from fig leaves, and when they heard God's voice they hid among the trees.
2. Read verses 9-10. How did God treat the man who was hiding? How did the man answer?
Leader note: God called to him, "Where are you?"; he said he heard God's voice and was afraid because he was naked, so he hid.
3. Read verses 11-13, then Proverbs 28:13. What did God ask? How did the man and the woman each answer? What does Proverbs say about concealing and confessing?
Leader note: God asked whether he had eaten from the forbidden tree, and asked the woman what she had done; the man said "the woman whom you gave" gave it to him, the woman said the serpent deceived her. Proverbs says whoever conceals their sins doesn't prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
4. The man said, "The woman whom you gave to be with me," and the woman said, "The serpent deceived me." Both were telling part of the truth, so why was it still blame-shifting? After a couple fight, what does "it's all your fault" usually look like?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. Blame-shifting often isn't lying; it picks out only the other person's share and hides one's own; the man even blamed God in a roundabout way. What it looks like after a fight: "If you hadn't...", "You knew I was tired...", "If your mum didn't..." Each line has some truth in it, but you never get anywhere.
5. God called to the people who were hiding, "Where are you?"; Proverbs says, "whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy." Before such a God, what might "owning your share" look like? Where does the courage come from?
Leader note: Name the share that is yours first, specifically, with no "but" and no "you did too"; then be willing to change. The courage comes from God's mercy: he called out to those who were hiding, made them garments with his own hands (3:21), and later sent his Son to die for us. Also make clear: owning your share does not mean taking all the blame.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) In ordinary conflict where the relationship is safe, how can a couple go back and repair the scar left by a first big fight? When is it not appropriate to go back over it?
Leader note: In ordinary conflict, where the relationship is safe, both respect a pause, and it won't bring retaliation, go back over that fight when you are both calm; each own your share; say what you really cared about at the time; agree together how to argue next time (whoever needs to calm down says so, and you agree when to talk again). If there was violence, intimidation, smashing things to frighten, or being forced to admit fault, don't arrange to go back over it and don't ask the hurt person to examine themselves; seek help on your own first.
7. After a fight, what is the "blame-shifting line" I use most? (Talk about yourself; if you'd rather not talk, you can just listen; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: The leader shares first. Just listen; don't comment, and don't draw conclusions about anyone else's family.
8. This week, for what one thing are you willing to own your share?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics, only in ordinary conflict where the relationship is safe, both respect a pause, and it won't bring retaliation: apologise for one thing said too harshly, with no "but"; admit one thing done without discussing it first; find a calm moment to name your share in your first big fight. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read Genesis 3:8-13 slowly, then Proverbs 28:13, and everyone is silent for a minute. In your heart, think about where you hide when God asks, "Where are you?" Those willing can pray a sentence or two: admitting the line they use to shift blame, thanking the God who comes looking for us, or asking for repair in a relationship that has been through a fight. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person's home. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Father, you called to those who were hiding in the garden, and today you come looking for us too. We confess that we often cover up our own wrongs and pick out other people's. Forgive us, and give us courage to own our share. Thank you for covering our shame in Christ; heal the wounds left in our homes by our fights. And protect those at home who are frightened, hit, or forced to admit fault. In Jesus's name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
If you came as a couple, each think about these first at home, then share with each other at a time when you are both calm. If you came alone, you can think only about question 1 and take it to prayer.
Share question 1 first, speaking only about yourself, not the other person. One speaks and the other only listens, without correcting or adding. When they finish, say, "Thank you for telling me." Decide question 2 together, and once it's decided, write it on paper. If there is hitting or threatening at home, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “After Conflict, Reconciliation Is Possible” in the Communication and Close Relationships series (Genesis 33:1–11), or “The Hiddenness of Sin” in the Exposing Sin, Confessing Sin, Putting Sin to Death series (2 Samuel 11; 2 Samuel 12:1–13).