The Early Years of Marriage, Lesson 1. Read Luke 6:37-42. Only after marrying do you discover the other person's endless faults—socks left anywhere, messages unanswered, habits that clash—and the more you look, the less you like what you see.
Main passage: Luke 6:37-42
Jesus said, "Why do you see the speck of chaff that is in your brother's eye, but don't consider the beam that is in your own eye?" After marriage, we see every one of the other person's faults clearly, but often miss the beam in our own eye. Only when we first remove our own beam before God can we see clearly and help the other person gently; the first year of marriage is worth investing in together.
While dating, everything about the other person seems lovely. Once you live together, you discover what the other person's life is really like: socks dropped anywhere, toothpaste squeezed from the middle, dishes left soaking in the sink after dinner, straight to the sofa and the phone after work, messages left unanswered for hours. The small things pile up, and more and more goes unsaid in your heart: "Can't you even get this right?" "My mum was right about you." "If I'd known you were like this..." The more you look, the more all you can see are the other person's faults.
In Luke 6 Jesus says something originally spoken to his disciples, yet very fitting for newly married couples:
Don't judge, and you won't be judged. Don't condemn, and you won't be condemned. Set free, and you will be set free. (Luke 6:37)
"Don't judge" does not mean you can't tell right from wrong or can never say anything; it means don't take the judge's seat, condemning and passing verdicts on people. Jesus goes on, "with the same measure you measure it will be measured back to you" (Luke 6:38). How we measure the other person often reveals ourselves.
Then comes a picture that is a little funny and cuts deep:
Why do you see the speck of chaff that is in your brother's eye, but don't consider the beam that is in your own eye? (Luke 6:41)
The speck is a tiny splinter; the beam is a great timber that holds up a house. Someone with a beam lodged across their eye is busy picking a splinter out of someone else's. Jesus calls this hypocrisy, and says, "First remove the beam from your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck of chaff that is in your brother's eye" (Luke 6:42).
There are two layers here. One is order: look at yourself first. Many of the "specks" newly married couples see are really just different habits brought from two families, not matters of right and wrong; and the beam in our own eye is often a heart that loves to criticise, compare and keep score. The other is that Jesus did not say the speck should never be removed, only that we must see clearly first. Once our own beam is out, helping the other person is no longer judgment but a gentle reminder; not "Why do you always do this?" but "Can we work out a way together?"
Jesus' words here are themselves a serious warning: as we measure others, so we will be measured. But the warning also lets us see that we too need mercy and need forgiveness. Christ bore our sins; those who have received mercy can learn to treat others with mercy, and stop examining each other through a magnifying glass.
There is a little-noticed provision in the Old Testament law:
When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out in the army, neither shall he be assigned any business. He shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer his wife whom he has taken. (Deuteronomy 24:5)
In those days even going to war had to give way to the newly married. This law set apart the first year of marriage for special protection, and stated its purpose plainly: to "cheer his wife." Applied today, couples can deliberately set aside time to get to know each other and to delight in each other. We may not be able to take a year off, but we can learn from its heart: amid overtime, commuting and the mortgage, make time for this newly founded home.
One more thing must be distinguished: differences in daily habits are "specks," and we can learn to bear with them; hitting, threats, controlling money or documents, not allowing someone to see others, and long-term verbal abuse are not "specks," nor are they problems that "not judging" can solve. If you meet these, don't blame yourself for being "too critical"; put safety first and find help.
1. "Don't judge" doesn't mean not telling right from wrong. 6:37 means not taking the judge's seat to condemn others; in verse 42 Jesus still speaks of removing "the speck of chaff that is in your brother's eye," just later in the order.
2. The picture of the measure. 6:38 says that the measure we use for others will be used for us. In context it follows "Give," and speaks of generosity and mercy.
3. Speck and beam. 6:41-42 uses an exaggerated contrast: people easily see others' small faults and miss their own big ones.
4. See clearly first, then help. "Then you can see clearly" in 6:42: removing our own beam is so that we can truly help the other person, not so that we never say anything again.
5. The year of a new marriage. Deuteronomy 24:5 exempted the newly married from military service and public business for a year, to cheer his wife. This was a law of ancient Israel; what we learn today is its care for the newly married, not a literal year off work.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: Living with someone else (family, a flatmate, a spouse), what is one of their small habits you find hardest to get used to? (First-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light; a laugh is fine: squeezing the toothpaste from the middle, setting the air-conditioning too cold, not putting things back. Then add one sentence: the other person may well have a list about us too.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers Luke 6:37-42. Jesus says: do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; for with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. Can the blind lead the blind? Why do you see the speck in your brother's eye but not notice the beam in your own? You hypocrite, first take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. We'll compare this with Deuteronomy 24: a newly married man shall not go to war but shall be free at home for one year, to bring joy to his wife. Today we're talking together about what to do when, after marriage, you find more and more to dislike.
1. Read verses 37-38. What does Jesus say not to do? What does he tell us to do? What is the picture of the measure saying?
Leader note: Don't judge, don't condemn; set free, give. The measure we use for others will be used for us.
2. Read verses 41-42. What picture does Jesus use? What does he say must come first, and what can come after?
Leader note: A speck in your brother's eye, a beam in your own; first remove the beam from your own eye, then you can see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's.
3. Read Deuteronomy 24:5. What special arrangement did the law make for the newly married? What was its purpose?
Leader note: He was not to go to war or be given public business, but to be free at home for a year; in order to cheer his wife.
4. "Why do you see the speck of chaff that is in your brother's eye, but don't consider the beam that is in your own eye?" What are many of the "specks" newly married couples see? And what is often the "beam" in our own eye?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. Many "specks" are simply different habits brought from two families, not right and wrong: sleep patterns, tidiness, spending, how to eat. The beam in our own eye is often a heart that loves to criticise, compare, keep score, and treat our own habits as the standard. You can also remind people that these words were originally spoken to disciples, and applying them to couples is an application.
5. Jesus did not say the speck should never be removed, but that we must first remove our own beam, "then you can see clearly." How will someone forgiven by Christ help the other person "remove the speck" differently?
Leader note: Not judgment but a gentle reminder; not "Why do you always do this?" but "Can we work out a way together?"; first admitting your own share, and choosing the right moment. 6:37-38 is itself a warning: as we measure others, so we will be measured; this shows us that we too need mercy. Christ bore our sins, and those who have received mercy can learn to treat others with mercy.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) Deuteronomy 24:5 exempted the newly married from war for a year. How can newly married couples today learn from its heart?
Leader note: You may not be able to take a year off, but you can: when you're both willing, keep an evening just for the two of you, put the phones away for half an hour after work, not fill every weekend, get to know each other's friends and family. The point is to make time for the newly founded home.
7. At home (or with those closest to me), what is the "beam" most often in my eye? (Criticising, comparing, keeping score, treating my habits as the standard... talk about yourself; if you'd rather not talk, you can just listen; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: The leader shares first. Just listen; don't comment, and don't draw conclusions about anyone else's family.
8. This week, which critical remark are you willing to hold back, or which word of thanks are you willing to say?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics, only for matters of everyday habits or ordinary conflict where the relationship is safe: when you see a fault in the other person, first ask whether you are also treating your own habits as the standard; change "Why do you always..." to "Can we..."; find a moment this week to say one specific thing you are grateful for in the other person. Where harm or control is involved, don't use this question; seek help first. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read Luke 6:37-42 slowly, then everyone is silent for a minute. In your heart, think about the beam in your own eye. Those willing can pray a sentence or two: admitting their own critical spirit, giving thanks for the people beside them, or asking God for a gentle and forbearing heart. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person's home. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Lord Jesus, we so often see the speck in someone else's eye and miss the beam in our own. Forgive our critical, comparing, score-keeping hearts. We too need your mercy; on the cross you bore our sins. Help us, who have received mercy, to treat those beside us with mercy. Give us eyes that see clearly, mouths that speak gently, and time in our homes to love one another. Protect those who are being hurt in their marriages. In your name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
If you came as a couple, each think about these first at home, then tell each other. If you came alone, you can think only about question 1 and take it to prayer.
Share question 1 first, then question 2. One speaks and the other only listens, without defending yourself or seizing the chance to say "you do it too." When they finish, say, "Thank you for telling me." If there is hitting or threatening at home, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “Speak with Grace, Not Grudges” in the Harmony in Marriage series (1 Peter 3:7–12), or “Quick to Listen, Slow to Speak” in the Communication and Close Relationships series (James 1:19–21).