Preparing for Marriage, Lesson 7. Read Prov 5:15-23. Living together, sex before marriage and pornography are all common around you, and you don't know whether or how to speak about the past.
Main passage: Prov 5:15-23
Proverbs says, "Drink water out of your own cistern, running water out of your own well." Hebrews says, "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the bed be undefiled." Sex is a good gift created by God, given to husband and wife within the covenant of marriage. Before marriage, keep this boundary together and learn to talk honestly; for those who have stumbled in the past, there is forgiveness in Christ and a way to begin again.
When marriage draws near, some things are the hardest to talk about. In many people's eyes, living together is quite normal and sex before marriage is nothing unusual; some have been caught up in pornography since their teens and still can't get free; some carry a past relationship in their hearts and don't know whether or how to mention it; some have experienced sexual assault and feel afraid when they think of intimacy after marriage. Churches often say little about these things, so many people walk into marriage carrying a heart full of things they can't put into words.
Proverbs 5 is a father speaking to his son. The whole chapter warns that the lure from outside drips honey from its lips, but in the end is as bitter as wormwood (Proverbs 5:3-4). Then the father paints a beautiful picture:
Drink water out of your own cistern, running water out of your own well. (Proverbs 5:15)
In dry country, a well is a family's lifeline. Proverbs uses the well and the spring as a picture of sex between husband and wife: it is good and sweet, and to be carefully guarded. "Should your springs overflow in the streets... Let them be for yourself alone, not for strangers with you" (Proverbs 5:16-17). Sex is an exclusive gift between two people, not shared with others.
Then comes a tender blessing: "Let your spring be blessed. Rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Proverbs 5:18). When Scripture speaks of sex in marriage it doesn't avoid the subject or treat it as shameful; within the bounds God has set, it is joy and blessing.
Verse 21 gives the reason: "For the ways of man are before Yahweh's eyes. He examines all his paths." Sex is not only a matter between two people; it is also a matter before God. Verses 22 and 23 say that whoever will not be instructed is bound by the cords of their own sin.
Hebrews says it more directly:
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the bed be undefiled: but God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterers. (Hebrews 13:4)
"Held in honor among all": not only by the married; the unmarried are to honour marriage too. Keeping sexual boundaries before marriage is not because sex is bad, but precisely because it is so good and so precious that it belongs within the covenant of marriage. Paul also says, "Flee sexual immorality!" (1 Corinthians 6:18), because our body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, and "you were bought with a price" (1 Corinthians 6:20).
What, then, of those who have already crossed this boundary? The gospel has not shut the door. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins" (1 John 1:9). Where two people have, by mutual consent, had sex before marriage or lived together as a couple, and the relationship now is safe and both can speak freely: if both believe and are willing, they can confess together before God; if one doesn't yet believe, the believer confesses their own wrongdoing without pressuring the other to pray or make a statement of faith, and the two still talk honestly about boundaries, health and the responsibilities of marriage; together they discuss how to keep boundaries from now on, living apart if necessary, with a pastor walking alongside. Those caught up in pornography need someone trustworthy of the same sex to be accountable to, and can also seek professional help. As for how much of the past to share, it helps to think of two kinds: one kind is facts that materially affect the other person's informed consent to the marriage, their health, or responsibilities after marriage, such as current health risks, a relationship or behaviour that is still going on, existing children, or legal or major financial obligations; these should be shared honestly before marriage. The other kind is past details and trauma; there is no requirement to recount them one by one, still less to require someone who has been assaulted to describe what happened. Whether, when and to whom to speak of this second kind is the person's own decision; they can first talk it over with a pastor or professional who has no stake in either side and knows how to walk with people through trauma.
One more thing must be distinguished: if you have been sexually assaulted or forced into sex, that is not your sin, and you don't need to confess the harm someone else did to you; what you need is safety, healing and companionship, and you can seek help from experienced counsellors and doctors. If, while dating, one person forces or threatens the other into sex, or applies pressure with "you don't love me" or "I'll break up with you," that is not love; it is a danger sign. Stop and find help.
Before marriage, it is also possible, within safe and appropriate limits, to talk together about your hopes and worries about intimacy, for example with an experienced pastor or premarital counsellor alongside, and to have a premarital health check. Talking these things through prepares an honest beginning for intimacy in marriage.
1. The picture of the well and the spring. Proverbs 5:15-18 uses a well, a cistern and a spring as pictures of sex between husband and wife: sweet, precious, to be guarded, "for yourself alone."
2. Scripture does not treat sex as shameful. 5:18-19 uses tender words for the delight between husband and wife. Within the bounds God has set, sex is a blessing.
3. Before Yahweh's eyes. 5:21 says that a person's ways are before Yahweh's eyes; sex is not only a private matter between two people.
4. "Held in honor among all." Hebrews 13:4 calls everyone to honour marriage, including the unmarried; "let the bed be undefiled" speaks of faithfulness and purity in marriage.
5. The context of this passage is a warning. All of Proverbs 5 warns against outside temptation, and the way out is delighting in your own spouse within marriage; this lesson applies it to preparing for marriage.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: What is the most precious thing you have seen, something you could hardly bear to use? (First-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light: a grandmother's jade bangle, a treasured bottle of wine, a wedding dress. Then add one sentence: the more precious something is, the more it needs to be kept in the right place and guarded well.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers Proverbs 5:15-23. A father says to his son: drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well; should your springs overflow in the streets? Let them be yours alone, not shared with strangers. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth; may you be captivated always by her love. My son, why be captivated by an adulteress? For a person's ways are before the eyes of Yahweh; the wicked are held fast by the cords of their own sin. We'll compare this with Hebrews 13: let marriage be held in honour among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterers. Today we're talking together about sex and faithfulness.
1. Read verses 15-18. What pictures does Proverbs use for sex between husband and wife? What does "for yourself alone" mean?
Leader note: Water from your own cistern, running water from your own well, a spring. It is sweet and precious, to be guarded, belonging to husband and wife alone and not shared with strangers.
2. Read verses 18-20. How does Proverbs describe the delight between husband and wife? What does the father urge his son not to do?
Leader note: Rejoice in the wife of your youth, a loving doe and a graceful deer; be captivated always with her love; don't be captivated by an adulteress or embrace the bosom of another.
3. Read verses 21-23, then Hebrews 13:4. What reason does Proverbs give? Who does Hebrews say should honour marriage?
Leader note: A person's ways are before Yahweh's eyes, and the wicked are ensnared by their own evil deeds. Hebrews says marriage should be held in honour among all, and the bed undefiled.
4. How does Proverbs 5:15-20 affirm the goodness of intimacy between husband and wife, and how does it draw the boundary of faithfulness? Why can neither side be left out?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. Scripture sees sex as a good gift created by God, a joy and blessing in marriage, and speaks of it openly. Precisely because it is precious and binds two people so deeply, it is to be guarded within the covenant of marriage. Hebrews 13:4 says "held in honor among all": the unmarried honour marriage by keeping boundaries before marriage.
5. If someone has already crossed this boundary (living together, sex before marriage, being caught up in pornography), what does the gospel say to them? What might repentance and a new beginning look like in practice?
Leader note: 1 John 1:9 says that if we confess our sins, God will forgive. Repentance is not carrying shame for the rest of your life; it is confessing before God, keeping boundaries from now on (those living together can live apart), with a pastor walking alongside; those caught up in pornography find someone trustworthy of the same sex to be accountable to, and can seek professional help. Also make clear: those who have been sexually assaulted or coerced have not sinned.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) Before marriage, how can two people talk about their hopes and worries about intimacy within safe and appropriate limits? What might be worth discussing with a pastor first?
Leader note: You can ask an experienced pastor or premarital counsellor to be present, and have a premarital health check. Facts that materially affect the other person's informed consent to the marriage, their health, or responsibilities after marriage (current health risks, a relationship or behaviour still going on, existing children, legal or major financial obligations) should be shared honestly; past details and trauma don't need to be recounted one by one, and someone who has been assaulted certainly doesn't need to describe it; whether, when and to whom to speak of this is their own decision, and they can first talk with a pastor or professional who knows how to walk with people through trauma. If, while dating, one person forces or threatens the other, that is a danger sign.
7. In today's society, what is hardest about keeping sexual boundaries? (Principles and circumstances only, not anyone's personal experience; if you'd rather not talk, you can just listen; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Common answers: everyone around does it, living together saves on rent, fear of being seen as old-fashioned, phones make content too easy to find. Just listen; don't judge.
8. This week, what specific thing are you willing to do to keep this boundary?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics: where the relationship is safe and both freely agree, set a few boundaries together (not staying overnight in the same room, and so on); if there is coercion, threats or pressure through break-up threats, don't push for setting boundaries together; each seek help separately first; find someone trustworthy of the same sex to be accountable to; arrange premarital preparation with a pastor; delete or block content that stirs temptation. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read Proverbs 5:15-18 slowly, then Hebrews 13:4, and everyone is silent for two minutes. In your heart, tell God about your weakness, your past or your worries in this area; there's no need to say it aloud. Those willing can pray a sentence or two: thanking God for the good gift he created, asking his help to keep boundaries, or asking healing for those who carry wounds. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Father, thank you for creating our bodies, and for giving sex as a good gift to husband and wife in marriage. Help us honour marriage and keep boundaries together before marriage, for we were bought with a price. Those of us who have stumbled, forgive and cleanse us, and give us courage to begin again; those who have been hurt, heal them, and let them know it was not their fault. Protect those who are being coerced or threatened in their relationships. In Jesus's name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
If you came as a couple, each think about these first at home, then tell each other. If you came alone, you can think about question 1 yourself and take it to prayer. How much of the past to share should follow the two kinds described above; talk it over first with a pastor who knows how to walk alongside people, and don't use this homework for a sudden confession or for probing.
When you exchange answers, one speaks and the other only listens, without probing into the other's past or applying pressure. When they finish, say, "Thank you for telling me." If, while dating, there is hitting or threatening, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “Honouring Each Other Physically and Emotionally” in the Singleness and Dating series (1 Corinthians 6:12–20), or “Faithful and Tender Intimacy” in the Harmony in Marriage series (1 Corinthians 7:1–7).