Preparing for Marriage, Lesson 5. Read Jas 4:1-10. Before the wedding you're already arguing endlessly about the ceremony, money and whose family to visit, and before long it's not even about that any more.
Main passage: Jas 4:1-10
James asks, "Where do wars and fightings among you come from?" His answer: from the desires that wage war within us. When a couple argue, on the surface it is about the wedding dress, money, or whose family to visit at New Year; underneath it is often "I want." God "gives more grace" and "gives grace to the humble." Bringing to God the things we feel we "must have," and learning to answer gently, is one of the most worthwhile lessons to practise together before marriage.
After getting engaged, some couples find they argue more, not less. Which studio for the wedding photos, how many tables at the banquet, whether to invite the relative no one has spoken to for years, whose name the money goes in after the wedding, whether weekends are for his friends or my family. As the argument goes on, it often stops being about the thing itself: "You never care how I feel," "You just do whatever your mum says," "If I'd known you were like this..." Some begin to worry: if we argue like this before the wedding, what will it be like afterwards? Others think: we never argue, so surely that means we're a good match?
The letter of James was written to people in the church, and they quarrelled too. James asks a very direct question:
Where do wars and fightings among you come from? Don't they come from your pleasures that war in your members? (James 4:1)
He doesn't start by asking who is right; he looks inward first. The root of quarrelling is the desires that "war in your members." Wanting to be respected, understood, secure can be perfectly legitimate hopes; but when they turn into a ruling "I must have this," they become the warring desires James rebukes, and they collide with the same "I must have this" in the other person's heart.
Verses 2 and 3 go into more detail: "You don't have, because you don't ask" (James 4:2); "You ask, and don't receive, because you ask with wrong motives" (James 4:3). The "asking" here is asking God: they did not turn to God, and when they did pray, they asked selfishly for their own pleasures. This can't be used directly as a definition of how two people should communicate, but it reminds us to bring what we want to God first, and to ask him not only "make them change," but also "show me what I really want." In an ordinary, safe relationship, this can also lead us to learn to say what we need specifically and gently: instead of arguing "Why are you late again?", say "When I'm waiting for you I feel uneasy; next time you're running late, could you let me know?"
Verses 4 and 5 are strong words. "Adulterers and adulteresses" is a figure of speech here for people whose hearts are divided and who make friends with the world; interpreters understand verse 5 in different ways, and we won't go into it here. Then James turns to the way out:
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble." (James 4:6)
In an argument, pride most often looks like this: I have to win, they have to apologise first, I have to have the last word. James says God gives more grace to the humble. The string of commands in verses 7 to 10, "Be subject therefore to God," "Draw near to God," "Cleanse your hands," "Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord" (James 4:10), all point us first towards God. When both of you come back to God first, there is room between you.
Proverbs offers a very practical way: "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1). The same thing said in a different tone often leads somewhere completely different.
Arguing before marriage is not necessarily a bad thing. Never arguing may mean you really are in tune, or it may mean one of you is always giving way and never saying anything. What matters more than whether you argue is how you argue: afterwards, can each of you say what you really cared about, can each own your share, can you make up?
One more thing needs to be distinguished. Disagreements, and occasionally speaking too harshly, are things you can learn to handle together. Hitting, smashing things, threats, stalking, checking phones, not allowing someone to see friends, or using a break-up or self-harm as a threat are not "arguments"; they are danger signs. If you see these before marriage, stop and get help; don't count on marriage to make it better.
1. Looking inward first. 4:1 doesn't start by asking who is right, but asks where the fighting "comes from"; the answer is the desires that war within.
2. Not asking and asking wrongly. In 4:2-3, the "asking" is asking God: they did not ask God, or asked only for their own pleasures. Applying this to how two people talk with each other is an application drawn from it.
3. "Adulterers" is a figure of speech. 4:4 borrows a common Old Testament prophetic image for a divided heart that befriends the world; interpreters differ on the meaning of 4:5, and there's no need to go into it in the group.
4. More grace. 4:6 quotes Proverbs 3:34: God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble. The way out is grace, not trying harder to win.
5. This was originally written to the church. James 4 speaks of quarrels among believers; using it for a couple about to marry is an application, but a fitting one.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: What small thing do you and your family most often argue about? (The air-conditioning temperature, how to squeeze the toothpaste, who does the dishes... first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light; a laugh is fine. Then add one sentence: the arguments are often about small things, but what we really care about underneath often isn't the small thing at all.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers James 4:1-10. James asks: where do the fights and quarrels among you come from? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You do not have because you do not ask; you ask and do not receive because you ask with wrong motives. Friendship with the world is hostility toward God. But he gives more grace; as Scripture says, God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. So submit to God, resist the devil; draw near to God and he will draw near to you; humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. We'll compare this with Proverbs 15: a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Today we're talking together about where arguments come from.
1. Read verses 1-3. Where does James say fights and quarrels come from? What two reasons does he give for not having?
Leader note: From the desires that war in our members. One is not asking; the other is asking with wrong motives, to spend it on one's own pleasures.
2. Read verse 6. How does God treat the proud and the humble? What does James say God gives?
Leader note: He resists the proud and gives grace to the humble; he gives more grace.
3. Read verses 7-10, then Proverbs 15:1. What series of commands does James give? What kind of answer does Proverbs say turns away wrath?
Leader note: Be subject to God, resist the devil, draw near to God, cleanse your hands, purify your hearts, humble yourselves before the Lord. Proverbs says a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
4. James says quarrels come from the "desires that war in your members." When two people argue, how is what they're arguing about on the surface often different from what they really want underneath?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. On the surface: the wedding dress, the banquet, money, whose family to visit. Underneath: wanting respect, wanting to come first, wanting security, fearing the other family will look down on you, wanting things your own way. These hopes can be legitimate, but once they turn into a ruling "I must have this," they are the desires James speaks of, and they collide with the other person's "I must have this." Seeing the "I want" underneath is the way forward. You can also remind people that James 4 was originally about the church, and using it for a couple is an application.
5. "You don't have, because you don't ask. You ask, and don't receive, because you ask with wrong motives." Whom is this "asking" directed to? How might bringing what we want to God first change the way two people speak to each other?
Leader note: In context, it is asking God: they didn't ask God, or asked wrongly for their own pleasures. When we open ourselves to God first, we don't need to use arguments to force the other person to satisfy us; an application drawn from this is that, in an ordinary, safe relationship, we can say what we need specifically and gently ("When I'm waiting for you I feel uneasy; next time could you let me know?"), rather than waiting for the other person to guess and getting angry when they guess wrong.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) Is never arguing before marriage always a good thing? What matters more than whether you argue?
Leader note: Never arguing may mean you really are in tune, or that one of you is always giving way and saying nothing. What matters more: afterwards, can you say what you really cared about, can each own your share, can you make up? Also distinguish: hitting, threats and control are not "arguments"; they are danger signs.
7. The last time you argued with someone (your partner, family or a friend), what was it about on the surface? What did I really want underneath? (Talk about yourself; if you'd rather not talk, you can just listen; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: The leader shares first. Just listen; don't judge who was right or wrong.
8. This week, in which sentence are you willing to change to a gentler way of saying it?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics: change "Why do you always..." to "I'd like..."; only where the relationship is safe, the other person respects a pause, and it won't bring retaliation, agree to pause in the middle of an argument and continue later, or apologise face to face for something you said too harshly; if the other person won't allow a pause, or would use an apology to keep controlling you, don't arrange to continue the conversation, and seek help on your own first. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read James 4:1-3 slowly, then 4:6-10, and everyone is silent for a minute. Those willing can pray a sentence or two: admitting the thing they feel they "must have," asking God for a humble and gentle heart, or praying for the relationship beside them. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Lord, we confess that many arguments come from our own hearts: we want to win, we want to come first, we want things our own way. Give us more grace; help us to humble ourselves before you, to see what we really want, to bring these wants to you, and to learn to answer gently. Keep the relationships beside us, and let us come to know each other better even through our arguments. And protect those being hurt in their relationships; give them courage to see danger clearly and to leave it. In Jesus's name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
If you came as a couple, each think about these first at home, then tell each other. If you came alone, you can think about question 1 yourself, then find a time to ask the other person.
When you exchange answers, one speaks and the other only listens, without defending yourself or dragging up old scores. When they finish, say back what you heard in your own words. If, while dating, there is hitting or threatening, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “Quick to Listen, Slow to Speak” in the Communication and Close Relationships series (James 1:19–21), or “After Conflict, Reconciliation Is Possible” in the Communication and Close Relationships series (Genesis 33:1–11).