Preparing for Marriage, Lesson 4. Read Eph 4:1-6. You measure the other person against the checklist in your head item by item; there are always a few unticked boxes, and disappointment keeps building.
Main passage: Eph 4:1-6
Paul urges those who have been called to live "with all lowliness and humility, with patience, bearing with one another in love," and says, "accept one another, even as Christ also accepted you." Most of us carry a checklist for "the one"; Christ did not accept us because we met his checklist. Those accepted by Christ have strength to learn to treat a real, imperfect person with kindness; but accepting a person's worth does not mean you must marry them, and before marriage we still need to discern honestly.
Many people carry a checklist for "the one": a stable job, a flat, taller than me, a good cook, understands me, romantic, spiritual, and ideally liked by my parents. When they meet someone, they go down the list item by item: this one ticked, that one not quite. Over time, disappointment also tends to come from the list: how could he not even think of that, why is she nothing like I imagined. Few stop to think that the other person has a list too, and that they themselves leave several boxes unticked.
Paul wrote Ephesians from prison. He urged the believers:
I therefore, the prisoner in the Lord, beg you to walk worthily of the calling with which you were called, (Ephesians 4:1)
First the "calling," then the "walk": how we treat others flows from how God has first treated us. Then he describes what such a life looks like:
with all lowliness and humility, with patience, bearing with one another in love; (Ephesians 4:2)
being eager to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. (Ephesians 4:3)
This passage was originally about how people in the church live together. The "one body, and one Spirit," "one Lord, one faith, one baptism" of verses 4 to 6 is first of all the church's unity in Christ; it cannot be used to decide whether a particular couple should marry, nor to require anyone to stay in a dangerous or unsuitable relationship. But the qualities Paul lists fit close relationships just as well: "humility" means not appointing yourself the examiner entitled to criticise everything; "patience" means knowing that both of you are still growing; "bearing with one another in love" means that when the other person doesn't match what I wanted, I still carry them in love.
Paul says it even more directly in Romans: "Therefore accept one another, even as Christ also accepted you, to the glory of God" (Romans 15:7). Christ did not accept us because we met his checklist. While we were still sinners, he died for us (Romans 5:8). Those who have been accepted like this have strength to learn to treat another imperfect person with kindness. But we need to distinguish: respecting and accepting a person's worth is one thing; judging whether two people are compatible in faith, character and willingness to marry is another. Honestly stopping before marriage is not "being short on grace."
This doesn't mean throwing the list away. What Scripture values, such as faith, character, faithfulness and keeping your word, should be valued. You can sort each item on the list: which does God value? Which is only my personal preference? Which has really been set for me by my family or society? The first kind needs to be taken seriously, the second can be discussed, and the third often needs to be let go.
One more thing needs to be distinguished. Accepting a person does not mean not caring about anything. Violence, threats, control, addiction and deception are not "flaws to be accepted"; they are danger signs. When you meet them, stop and find help.
Marriage is two real, imperfect people growing together in grace. Taking out that checklist and looking at it again before God may be one of the most worthwhile small things to do before marriage.
1. Called first, then walking. 4:1 says to "walk worthily of the calling with which you were called." How we treat others flows from how God has first treated us.
2. Four qualities. 4:2 lists lowliness, humility, patience, and bearing with one another in love. These are the lessons most needed, and hardest, in living with others.
3. The unity here is first of all the church's. 4:3-6 speaks of being "eager to keep the unity of the Spirit," then of one body, one Spirit, one Lord, one faith, one baptism. This is the church's unity in Christ; it cannot be used to decide whether a particular couple should marry.
4. The qualities can be borrowed. The humility, gentleness, patience and forbearance of Ephesians 4:2 originally describe how people in the church treat each other; using them in close relationships is an application, but a fitting one, because marriage is living together at the closest range.
5. "Even as Christ also accepted you." Romans 15:7 sets the measure for accepting one another in how Christ accepted us; he did not accept us because we met the conditions.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: As a child, what did you imagine your "future other half" would be like? (First-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light; a laugh is fine: like a certain film star, could play the piano, could protect me. Then add one sentence: as we grow up, the list in our heads may only get longer.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers Ephesians 4:1-6. Paul, a prisoner for the Lord, urges the believers: walk worthily of the calling you have received, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, one hope of your calling, one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all. We'll compare this with Romans 15: accept one another, just as Christ accepted you, to the glory of God. Today we're talking together about the checklist for "the one" in our hearts.
1. Read verse 1. In what capacity does Paul urge the believers? What does he say their walk should be worthy of?
Leader note: He calls himself a prisoner in the Lord; their walk should be worthy of the calling with which they were called. The calling comes first, then the walk.
2. Read verses 2-3. What qualities does Paul list? What does he urge believers to be eager to keep?
Leader note: Lowliness, humility, patience, bearing with one another in love; to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
3. Read verses 4-6, then Romans 15:7. How many times does Paul say "one"? What does Romans 15:7 give as the measure for accepting one another?
Leader note: One body, one Spirit, one hope, one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God. Romans 15:7 says to accept one another as Christ accepted us.
4. From Romans 5:8 and Romans 15:7, how does Christ accept us? How will this grace change the way we see ourselves, the other person, and that checklist for "the one" in our hands?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. While we were still sinners, he died for us (Romans 5:8), not because we met the conditions. Having been accepted like this, we have strength to be humble, patient and to bear lovingly with another imperfect person, rather than always measuring people against a list. Also make clear: accepting a person's worth does not mean you must marry them; faith, character, faithfulness, safety and shared willingness still need honest discernment before marriage. You can also remind people that Romans 15 and Ephesians 4 were originally about the church, and using them for marriage is an application.
5. How is accepting someone different from not caring or never raising anything? Which items on the list are preferences that can be discussed, and which are danger signs that must not be overlooked?
Leader note: Acceptance means receiving a real person and growing together; it is not pretending not to see problems. Faith, character and faithfulness are what Scripture values; height, income and whether someone can cook are mostly preferences. Violence, threats, control, addiction and deception are danger signs, not flaws to be accepted.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) Ephesians 4:2 lists lowliness, humility, patience, and bearing with one another in love. The passage is originally about the church's unity; how can these qualities be practised between two people of very different personalities and backgrounds?
Leader note: First make clear: the unity of 4:3-6 is first of all the church's unity in Christ, not a declaration about a particular couple. The qualities can be practised: not acting as examiner, giving the other person time to grow, not keeping score over small things, speaking gently. None of this means anyone should stay in a dangerous or unsuitable relationship.
7. Which item on your list was really set for you by your family or society? Which one would you like to rethink now? (Talk about yourself; if you'd rather not talk, you can just listen; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: The leader shares first. Just listen; don't judge other people's criteria.
8. This week, how are you willing to learn to accept the person beside you as they really are?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics: say a word of thanks about who they really are; pray about something in them that disappoints you, instead of criticising it; sort your list again. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read Ephesians 4:1-3 slowly, then Romans 15:7, and everyone is silent for a minute. Those willing can pray a sentence or two: thanking God for accepting their imperfect selves, thanking him for the person beside them as they really are, or asking God for a humble and patient heart. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Lord, while we were still sinners you accepted us, not because we met your conditions. We often carry a list in our hearts and measure the people beside us by it, forgetting how often we ourselves disappoint others. Give us humble, gentle and patient hearts, bearing with one another in love. And give us wisdom to discern, to see honestly matters of faith, character and real danger, and courage to stop when we need to. In Jesus's name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
If you came as a couple, each think about these first at home, then tell each other. If you came alone, you can think about them yourself, then find a time to tell the other person.
When you exchange answers, one speaks and the other only listens, without rushing to reassure or to disagree. When they finish, say, "Thank you for telling me." If, while dating, there is hitting or threatening, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “Look at Character, Not Just Credentials” in the Singleness and Dating series (Ruth 2), or “Accepting One Another Across Our Differences” in the Love One Another: Life Together in the Body of Christ series (Romans 14; Romans 15:1–7).