Preparing for Marriage, Lesson 3. Read Gen 24:50-67. Betrothal gifts, whose name goes on the deed, where to live after the wedding: each family has expectations, and the couple caught in the middle don't know whom to listen to.
Main passage: Gen 24:50-67
Rebekah's family said, "The thing proceeds from Yahweh," gave and received gifts, and wanted to keep her a few more days; in the end they asked her, "Will you go with this man?" and she said, "I will go." Marriage involves two families, yet it must be decided by the two people together before God. The betrothal gift, the marital home and both families' expectations all need to be talked through within the order of "leave father and mother, and join with your spouse."
Before the wedding has even happened, the two families are already pulling against each other. Some families care a great deal about the betrothal gift, saying it is custom and a matter of face; some have emptied their savings for the marital home, and whose name goes on the property deed is still to be discussed; others share the costs, or don't ask for a betrothal gift at all. The real difficulty is often that each side's expectations, contributions and need for security have never been spelled out. Then there is whom you will live with after the wedding, who will look after the children in future, whose family you go to first at New Year, whose customs the wedding will follow. The young couple are caught in the middle, parents on one side and partner on the other, and whatever they say is wrong. Some engagements break down over the betrothal gift and the flat.
In Genesis 24, Abraham's old servant goes to Mesopotamia to find a wife for Isaac. He tells Rebekah's family everything: how he prayed along the way and how he met Rebekah at the well. Rebekah's brother Laban and her father Bethuel answer:
Then Laban and Bethuel answered, "The thing proceeds from Yahweh. We can't speak to you bad or good. (Genesis 24:50)
On this occasion, the text says plainly that the matter "proceeds from Yahweh," after the servant's prayer and clear signs; today we cannot conclude that a particular match is appointed by God simply because everything is going smoothly, the gifts are in order, or the families have agreed. Then the servant "brought out jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and clothing, and gave them to Rebekah. He also gave precious things to her brother and her mother" (Genesis 24:53). Weddings in that time had their own customs; the text records them honestly, but it does not set a standard for a betrothal gift, nor ask us to copy it.
Why such a lavish gift? It helps to remember what marriage looked like in the past. In traditional China, a bride married into the man's family: from then on she took her husband's family name, served her parents-in-law and cared for them until their death, and could seldom support the parents who had raised her. There was no state pension; in old age people could only rely on their sons, hence the saying "raise sons to provide for old age." A daughter would sooner or later marry out and could not be counted on, hence the saying "a daughter married off is water poured out." The unjust preference for sons grew from this, and brought pain to many daughters and mothers. In that setting, the betrothal gift was often a kind of financial compensation to the bride's family. The customs of the ancient Near East were not the same as China's, but a daughter marrying and leaving her family home was much the same. The rich gifts Abraham had his old servant bring can also be seen as thanks and compensation to Rebekah's family: they had raised her, and now she was going far away to Canaan and would most likely never be able to come back and support her parents.
Early the next morning, the servant wanted to take Rebekah back. Her brother and her mother said, "Let the young lady stay with us a few days, at least ten" (Genesis 24:55). Why they wanted to keep her longer, the text does not say. When the servant insisted on going, they did something very important:
They called Rebekah, and said to her, "Will you go with this man?" She said, "I will go." (Genesis 24:58)
The family had already agreed to the marriage (Genesis 24:50-51); this question was about whether she was willing to set off with the servant now. The text lets us see that Rebekah herself spoke: "I will go." Today, a marriage all the more needs the free, clear consent of both people. Her family blessed her and sent her on her way.
When they reached Canaan, Isaac saw the camels coming from far off in the field. The text ends with a tender sentence: "Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife. He loved her. Isaac was comforted after his mother's death" (Genesis 24:67). A new home was established.
Society today has moved on from those times: there is state provision for old age, and daughters honour and support their own parents just as sons do. This actually lets marriage come closer to the Bible's original design. Genesis 2 had already said: "Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother, and will join with his wife, and they will be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Notice that it is the husband who leaves his parents: no longer the wife marrying into his family while he stays on with his own parents, but both of them leaving the families they grew up in and building a new home together. "Leaving" is not being unfilial, and at heart it is not about where you live; it means that marriage establishes a new, primary household; parents can give advice and help, but they don't make the decisions for the two of you. If either set of parents is able, and glad and willing, they may give the new household some financial help; but if they are not able, or are not truly willing, they should not be pressed into it. So with the betrothal gift, the flat and where to live after the wedding, a fairly sound approach is: the two of you first talk it through before God until you are of one mind, and then go together to talk with both sets of parents; where there are shared financial contributions, property rights, family pressure or safety concerns, you can also seek advice separately from a pastor, a lawyer or another independent person. Treat your parents with respect and understanding for their worries, and also state the decision the two of you have reached, gently and clearly.
Money and face can easily turn an engagement into a contest between two families. It helps to remind ourselves that the foundation of marriage is God's guidance and the two people's commitment, not the size of the betrothal gift, nor the names on the property deed. Don't take on debts you can't repay for the sake of an impressive wedding; and if one family is using money or threats of cutting off contact to apply pressure, or if there are threats and control in the relationship, stop first and talk it through with someone you trust.
1. "The thing proceeds from Yahweh." The family says this in verse 50, after the servant's prayer and clear signs. This is a particular guidance stated plainly in the text; today we cannot make the same claim about a particular match simply because things are going smoothly, the gifts are in order, or the families agree.
2. Gifts in that time. In verse 53 the servant gives gifts to Rebekah, her brother and her mother. The text records the custom of the time honestly; it does not set a standard for a betrothal gift, nor ask us to copy it. A daughter who married left her family home, so these rich gifts can also be seen as thanks and compensation to her family for raising her.
3. The family wanted to keep her a few days. In verse 55 the family wants to keep her at least ten days; the text gives no reason and does not criticise them.
4. Asking her herself. In verses 57-58 the family calls Rebekah and asks, "Will you go with this man?" and she says, "I will go." The question is about when to set off; it lets us see her own response, and today marriage needs the free, clear consent of both people all the more.
5. A new home. In verse 67 Isaac brings her into his mother's tent, takes her as his wife and loves her, and is comforted after his mother's death. This echoes Genesis 2:24, "leave his father and his mother, and will join with his wife."
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: What special wedding customs are there in your hometown? (First-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light: the bridesmaids blocking the door when the groom comes to collect the bride, the "change of address" money when the bride first calls her in-laws Mum and Dad, the teasing of the newlyweds, the bride's first visit home. A laugh is fine. Then add one sentence: customs differ from place to place, but behind them there are usually the hopes and worries of two families.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers Genesis 24:50-67. Abraham's servant told Rebekah's family everything that had happened on the way, and Laban and Bethuel said: this comes from Yahweh; take her and go. The servant brought out silver and gold jewellery and clothing for Rebekah, and gave precious gifts to her brother and mother. The next day the servant wanted to leave, and the family said: let her stay a few days, at least ten. So they called Rebekah and asked: will you go with this man? Rebekah said: I will go. The family blessed her and sent her on her way. Isaac saw her in the field, brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, took her as his wife and loved her, and was comforted after his mother's death. We'll compare this with Genesis 2: a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Today we're talking together about the betrothal gift, the marital home and both families' expectations.
1. Read verses 50-53. How did Rebekah's family view the match? What gifts did the servant give, and to whom?
Leader note: They said the thing proceeded from Yahweh; the servant brought out jewels of silver and gold and clothing for Rebekah, and gave precious things to her brother and her mother.
2. Read verses 54-61. What did the family ask for? How did the servant respond? What did they finally do, and how did Rebekah answer?
Leader note: They wanted her to stay at least ten days; the servant said not to hinder him; so they called Rebekah to ask her herself; she said, "I will go." The family blessed her.
3. Read verses 62-67, and also Genesis 2:24. How did Isaac receive Rebekah? How does verse 67 describe this new home?
Leader note: He brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, took her as his wife and loved her; after his mother's death, he was comforted. Genesis 2:24 says a man will leave his father and mother and join with his wife.
4. Rebekah's family had opinions and gifts, and finally asked her herself, "Will you go with this man?" On matters like the betrothal gift, the marital home and where to live after the wedding, where should the couple's unity and the families' views each be placed?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. Marriage is the commitment of two people before God; parents can take part and give advice, but they don't make the decisions for the couple. If the two aren't yet of one mind, they will be pulled from both sides and it becomes a contest between two families; a fairly sound approach is to reach one mind first, then go together to talk gently with the parents. Where shared contributions, property rights or family pressure are involved, they can also seek independent advice separately, from a pastor or a lawyer.
5. The text records the gift customs of that time honestly, but sets no standard for a betrothal gift. Today, what usually lies behind the betrothal gift, the names on the property deed, and the "three golds" (gold jewellery for the bride)? How can believers view these things?
Leader note: You might first mention the background from the introduction: in the past a daughter who married into her husband's family could seldom support her own parents, and there was no state pension, so the betrothal gift was often compensation to the bride's family; today the situation around old age has changed, daughters honour their parents too, and the worry has taken a different shape. Behind them there are often real worries (security for the children, the savings put in, who owns the property) and face. Believers can respect custom and understand their parents, while remembering that the foundation of marriage is God's guidance and the two people's commitment, not the numbers; don't take on unrepayable debt for a wedding, and don't let money become the measure of the match.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) How can "leaving father and mother" and "honouring father and mother" both be true at once? How can couples talk through whom to live with after the wedding and who will look after the children?
Leader note: Leaving is about order, not distance; the new home comes first, while still honouring and caring for parents. Living together can work, as long as the couple are of one mind and respect each other; when there is disagreement, the couple can usually talk first and then talk with the parents together; where shared contributions, property rights, pressure or safety risks are involved, they can first seek advice separately from a pastor, a lawyer or another independent person.
7. In preparing for a wedding (or in weddings you have seen), what is the thing most likely to put the couple in a difficult position? (Share if you're willing; if you'd rather not talk about yourself, you can just share an observation; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Just listen; don't judge anyone's family standards. You can invite those who have been through it to share how they talked it through at the time.
8. This week, what one thing are we willing to do to prepare for the matters between the two families?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics, and only where the relationship is safe, no one is applying pressure, and it won't bring retaliation: the two of you first write down your own views on the betrothal gift, the flat and where to live after the wedding, and compare them; visit the other's parents together and first listen to what worries them. If family members are threatening or pressuring you, don't arrange a visit or a face-to-face talk. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read Genesis 24:50-51 and 24:57-58 slowly, then everyone is silent for a minute. Those willing can pray a sentence or two: asking peace for the parents on both sides, asking unity and wisdom for those discussing a marriage, or praying for families that have fallen into conflict over a wedding. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Yahweh, you are the one who established marriage. Guide those preparing for marriage, and give them wisdom to discern honestly, and to stop when they need to. Thank you for placing our parents beside us; you see their reluctance to let go and their worries. Help the couples first to be of one mind before you, and then to talk gently with both families; do not let money and face become the measure of the match. Give the two families understanding for each other, and keep a way out for those under pressure and control. In Jesus's name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
If you came as a couple, each think about these first at home, then tell each other. If you came alone, you can think about them yourself, then find a time to ask the other person.
When you exchange answers, one speaks and the other only listens, without defending your own parents or judging the other's. When they finish, say back what you heard in your own words. If, while dating, there is hitting or threatening, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “United as a Couple, at Peace with Both Families” in the Harmony in Marriage series (Ruth 1:6–18), or “Everything Belongs to God” in the Money and Investing series (1 Chronicles 29:10–18).