Preparing for Marriage, Lesson 2. Read Gen 25:19-28. Without noticing, you bring your parents' ways of relating, and your family's favouritism and wounds, into this relationship.
Main passage: Gen 25:19-28
Isaac loved Esau, Rebekah loved Jacob: one sentence reveals the fault line in a family; later Jacob in turn favoured Joseph. Some of a family's patterns may repeat in the next generation, but that is not fate. In Christ we are a new creation; we can see clearly which family we come from, and by grace decide what to keep and what to lay down.
When two people are dating, they see each other. Only after marrying do they discover that they have also married into the other person's whole family. In an argument he storms out and slams the door, just like his father; when money comes up she clutches every penny, just like her mother; his family never said "thank you" or "sorry," while hers called a family meeting over everything. Nobody learned these patterns on purpose; they grew up in those homes and, without noticing, made them their own.
Genesis 25 tells of the family of Isaac and Rebekah. The text first records an answered prayer: Rebekah was barren, so Isaac "entreated Yahweh for his wife," and Yahweh answered him (Genesis 25:21). Answered prayer did not mean the family would never later be split by conflict. The twins struggled together even in the womb, and Yahweh said to Rebekah, "The elder will serve the younger" (Genesis 25:23). The boys grew up with different temperaments: "Esau was a skillful hunter, a man of the field. Jacob was a quiet man, living in tents" (Genesis 25:27). Then the text uses just one sentence:
Now Isaac loved Esau, because he ate his venison. Rebekah loved Jacob. (Genesis 25:28)
Each parent loved one child. The text adds no comment. The parents' favouritism became an important part of the rift in this family; later, in chapter 27, Rebekah helped Jacob deceive Isaac and take the blessing, Esau hated Jacob and wanted to kill him, and Jacob had to flee from home for twenty years. The rift grew deeper and deeper.
There is something more sobering still. In Gerar, Isaac was afraid the local men would kill him because of his wife, so he said, "She is my sister" (Genesis 26:7); this was exactly what his father Abraham had done years before (Genesis 12 and 20). Later, when Jacob became a father, "Israel loved Joseph more than all his children" (Genesis 37:3), and his brothers hated Joseph for it. Favouritism, lying and fear of others repeated from one generation to the next.
This is not a family curse. Ezekiel says clearly, "The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father" (Ezekiel 18:20). Each person is responsible before God for themselves. Looking at it today, some of a family's patterns may be passed on through what children see and absorb; this is a pastoral observation, not the text's explanation of what went on inside Isaac's or Jacob's family.
Before entering marriage, it is worth taking time to see clearly which family you come from: how your parents argued and how they made up; who handled the money and how it was spent; how love was shown, and how displeasure was shown; what place faith had at home. Some of it is good, worth giving thanks for and keeping; some of it is a wound that needs to be admitted and laid down. Honouring your parents does not mean copying everything they did; Scripture says "Honor your father and your mother" (Exodus 20:12), and also that a man will "leave his father and his mother, and will join with his wife."
Paul says, "if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old things have passed away. Behold, all things have become new" (2 Corinthians 5:17). This does not mean the influence of your family of origin vanishes overnight; it means our deepest identity is no longer in that family but in Christ. In him we have strength to see, admit and change, and also to look back at our parents with forgiveness.
If, growing up, you experienced hitting, abuse or long-term neglect, and it still affects you today, that is more than "a personality issue"; you can talk with a trustworthy pastor or counsellor. On the other hand, if the person you are dating has already hit, threatened or controlled you, don't talk yourself into waiting for them to change because "that's just how their family is"; put safety first and find help.
1. An answered prayer. In verse 21, Isaac entreated Yahweh for his barren wife, and Yahweh answered. Answered prayer did not guarantee that the family would never be split later.
2. The words of verse 23. "The elder will serve the younger" is Yahweh's declaration about the two children's future. The text does not say the parents should therefore favour one of them; the favouritism and deception that followed were their own doing.
3. The one sentence in verse 28. Isaac loved Esau "because he ate his venison," and Rebekah loved Jacob. The text adds no comment; favouritism was an important part of the family's rift, and the deception, hatred and separation in chapter 27 deepened it.
4. Repeated from generation to generation. Abraham twice called his wife his sister (Genesis 12 and 20), Isaac did the same in 26:7, and Jacob later favoured Joseph (37:3). The text records it honestly and does not say it was fate.
5. Each responsible for themselves. Ezekiel 18:20 says the son shall not bear the iniquity of the father. The influence of the family of origin is real, but it is not a curse, nor an excuse to shift responsibility.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: Does your family have a dish that "only our family makes this way," or an old family rule? (First-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light: a dish that must be on the table at New Year, no talking at meals, shoes must be lined up neatly. Then add one sentence: every family has its own ways, and we all grew up with them.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers Genesis 25:19-28. Isaac was forty when he married Rebekah. Rebekah was barren; Isaac prayed to Yahweh for her, Yahweh answered, and she conceived twins. The children struggled within her, and Yahweh said to her: two nations are in your womb, and the elder will serve the younger. The first was red and hairy, named Esau; the second came out holding his brother's heel, named Jacob. When the boys grew up, Esau was a skilful hunter, a man of the field; Jacob was a quiet man, living in tents. Isaac loved Esau because he ate his game; but Rebekah loved Jacob. We'll compare this with 2 Corinthians 5: if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. Today we're talking together about which families we each come from.
1. Read verses 19-23. How does the text record the prayer and its answer during their years of childlessness? What did Yahweh say to Rebekah?
Leader note: Rebekah was barren; Isaac entreated Yahweh for her, and Yahweh answered him. The children struggled in the womb, and Yahweh said two nations were in her womb, and the elder would serve the younger.
2. Read verses 24-28. What were the two boys like? In verse 28, whom did each parent love? Why does the text say Isaac loved Esau?
Leader note: Esau was a skilful hunter, a man of the field; Jacob was a quiet man, living in tents. Isaac loved Esau because he ate his venison; Rebekah loved Jacob.
3. Read Genesis 26:7 and 37:3-4 as well. What did Isaac do that his father had done before him? How did Jacob later treat Joseph? What was the result?
Leader note: Afraid of being killed, Isaac said his wife was his sister, just as Abraham had; Jacob loved Joseph more than all his sons and made him a coat of many colours, and his brothers hated Joseph.
4. One sentence in verse 28 reveals a family's rift, and later Jacob in turn favoured Joseph. Why do a family's patterns so often repeat in the next generation? Is it "destined"?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. The text sets the favouritism of two generations side by side, but does not explain how it was passed on; looking at it today, family patterns may be passed on through what children absorb, which is a pastoral observation, not something the text states. It is not fate, nor a curse; Ezekiel 18:20 says each is responsible for themselves. The way is open to see, admit, and then change little by little in Christ.
5. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation." What does this mean for someone entering marriage carrying the shadow of their family of origin? What does it not say?
Leader note: Our deepest identity is no longer in our family of origin but in Christ; in him there is strength to see and change, and to look back at our parents with forgiveness. It does not say the effects of the past vanish overnight, nor that we don't need others' help.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) How can honouring your parents and not copying their ways both be true at once?
Leader note: Honouring means respecting, thanking and caring for our parents; not copying means deciding afresh in marriage, according to God's heart, how to live together. Both are possible, and both need gentleness and wisdom.
7. What have you brought from your own family that you want to keep? What do you want to lay down? (Talk about yourself, without judging your parents; if you'd rather not talk, you can just listen; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: The leader shares first. Just listen; don't comment on other people's families. If someone mentions hurts from growing up, thank them and follow up privately after the meeting.
8. This week, how are we willing to get to know each other's family of origin better?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics, and only where the relationship is safe and both are willing: each write down how your family handled arguments, money and showing love, then read each other's; have a meal together at the other's family home and talk afterwards about what you noticed. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read 2 Corinthians 5:17 slowly, then everyone is silent for a minute. Those willing can pray a sentence or two: giving thanks for the good things in their parents, asking God's help with the thing they don't want to carry into marriage, or praying for those who were hurt growing up. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Father, thank you for placing each of us in our families to grow up, and thank you for the many good things our parents gave us. We also confess that we carry patterns we picked up without noticing: the way we argue, the silent treatment, favouritism, fear of others. Help us to see these, and give us strength to change in Christ. We are a new creation; let the homes we will build begin from your grace. Comfort those who were hurt growing up. In Jesus's name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
If you came as a couple, each think about these first at home, then tell each other. If you came alone, you can think about them yourself, then find a time to ask the other person.
When you exchange answers, one speaks and the other only listens, without judging the other's parents or comparing whose family is better. When they finish, say, "Thank you for telling me." If, while dating, there is hitting or threatening, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “Discipline Without Provoking Your Children” in the Raising Children series (Ephesians 6:1–4), or “Take Off the Old Self, Put On the New” in the Who Am I: My New Self in Christ series (Colossians 3:1–17).