Preparing for Marriage, Lesson 1. Read Matt 19:3-9. You've reached the age, your parents are pushing, everyone around you has married, so it feels like time; but you've never thought about what marriage is in God's eyes.
Main passage: Matt 19:3-9
The Pharisees asked Jesus whether a man may divorce his wife "for any reason," but Jesus took them back to "the beginning": God made them male and female, "the two shall become one flesh," and "What therefore God has joined together, don't let man tear apart." Before getting busy with the wedding, those preparing to marry need to be clear first: who established marriage, and why are we getting married?
Once you're engaged, the days suddenly fill up: viewing flats, negotiating the betrothal gift, booking the restaurant, taking wedding photos, arranging seating for guests, with the elders on both sides each having their own opinions. The to-do list keeps growing, yet the two of you rarely sit down to talk about one thing: why are we getting married? Because we've reached the age, our families are pushing, everyone around us has married? Or because, before God, we are willing to commit ourselves to each other for life?
In Matthew 19, some Pharisees came to test Jesus:
Pharisees came to him, testing him, and saying, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason?" (Matthew 19:3)
Their concern was the exit: in what circumstances a marriage could be ended. Jesus did not follow that question by drawing up a list of "acceptable grounds for divorce." Instead he took them back to the beginning: "he who made them from the beginning made them male and female" (Matthew 19:4), and then quoted the words of Genesis 2:
and said, 'For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh?' (Matthew 19:5)
Then comes the conclusion:
So that they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, don't let man tear apart. (Matthew 19:6)
"What God has joined together": these words tell us where marriage comes from. It is not only two people who took a liking to each other, nor only an arrangement agreed between two families; it is established by God and joined by God himself. In mainland China, a legal marriage begins with registration and the marriage certificate; for believers, marriage is also a lifelong covenant made before God.
The Pharisees pressed further: then why did Moses command a certificate of divorce? Jesus said, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it has not been so" (Matthew 19:8). The provision for divorce came because of hard hearts, not because God designed it that way from the beginning. Jesus shows that hard hearts destroy marriages; for those preparing to marry, this is a reminder that in ordinary conflict we too should ask God to search our own hearts. But if the other person is violent, threatening, controlling, or hiding something serious, that is not a matter of your own "hard heart"; stop first and get help, and don't take the blame onto yourself.
Paul later quotes the same words, "the two shall become one flesh," and goes on: "This mystery is great, but I speak concerning Christ and of the assembly" (Ephesians 5:32). Marriage is a picture pointing to Christ's self-giving, never-abandoning love for the church. Our ability to commit ourselves for life does not depend on how strong our resolve is, but on having first been loved with this love.
So the most important preparation before marriage is not how impressive the wedding is, but that both of you understand: what we are entering is a lifelong covenant established by God. You can write down together "why we are getting married," attend premarital counselling together, and say out loud the thing you are most worried about.
One more thing needs to be said: being engaged is not the same as being married. If, while dating, you discover that the other person is violent, threatening or controlling, or has hidden a serious fact (such as large debts, an existing marriage, or an addiction), stopping is wisdom; it is not failure, and it is not breaking your word.
1. The Pharisees asked about the exit. Verse 3, "for any reason," was about when a marriage could be ended. Jesus took the conversation back to the beginning of marriage.
2. Jesus quotes Genesis. In verses 4-5, Jesus brings together Genesis 1:27, "male and female," and Genesis 2:24, "the two shall become one flesh," to show that marriage is God's design from the beginning.
3. "What God has joined together." Verse 6 says marriage is joined by God himself, so "don't let man tear apart."
4. "Because of the hardness of your hearts." Verse 8 says Moses allowed divorce because of hard hearts, "but from the beginning it has not been so." In verse 9 Jesus also mentions "sexual immorality"; churches differ in how they apply this verse.
5. Marriage points to Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:31-32 quotes the same words, "the two shall become one flesh," and calls it a great mystery concerning Christ and the church.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: Of the weddings you've been to, which vow or blessing has stayed with you most? (First-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light: "for better, for worse," something a father said as he gave his daughter away, the MC's jokes. Then add one sentence: the words at a wedding are often beautiful, but a marriage is lived in the days after the wedding.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers Matthew 19:3-9. Some Pharisees came to test Jesus and asked: may a man divorce his wife for any reason? Jesus said: he who created them from the beginning made them male and female; and he said, therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh; what God has joined together, let no one separate. They asked again: then why did Moses command a certificate of divorce? Jesus said: because of the hardness of your hearts Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. We'll compare this with Genesis 2: a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Today we're talking together about why we are getting married, before we plan the wedding.
1. Read verses 3 and 7. What did the Pharisees ask Jesus? Where was the focus of their concern?
Leader note: Whether a man may divorce his wife for any reason, and why Moses commanded a certificate of divorce. Their concern was when a marriage could be ended.
2. Read verses 4-6. Where did Jesus take the conversation? Which two sayings did he quote? What was his conclusion?
Leader note: Back to the beginning; he quoted "male and female" and "a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh"; the conclusion was that husband and wife are no longer two, and what God has joined together, man must not separate.
3. Read verses 8-9. How did Jesus explain Moses' permission to divorce?
Leader note: Because of hard hearts; but from the beginning it was not so. Verse 9 also mentions sexual immorality; you can mention that churches differ in how they apply this verse, without going into it in the group.
4. The Pharisees asked "for what reason may a man divorce," but Jesus went back to "the beginning." Why should we who are preparing to marry also ask first "how was marriage established in the beginning," and not only "how should the wedding be done"? What does "what God has joined together" mean for a couple about to marry?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. The wedding is one day; the marriage is a lifetime. Only when we understand where marriage comes from do we know what we are promising. "What God has joined together" means marriage is not only an agreement between two people or two families, but a lifelong covenant before God, joined by him; so we don't lightly talk about exits, and we don't rely on our feelings to sustain it.
5. Jesus said, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, allowed you to divorce your wives." What reminder does this give those preparing to marry?
Leader note: Jesus shows that hard hearts destroy marriages. In ordinary conflict our hearts harden too: we won't admit we're wrong, won't forgive, won't give way; those entering marriage need to be ready to come back to God often and ask him to search and soften their hearts. But if the other person is violent, threatening, controlling or hiding something serious, that is not a matter of your own "hard heart"; don't take the blame onto yourself, and stop first and get help.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) Paul says, "the two shall become one flesh... This mystery is great, but I speak concerning Christ and of the assembly" (Ephesians 5:32). What is the connection between marriage and the relationship between Christ and the church? How does this help us?
Leader note: Marriage is a picture pointing to Christ's self-giving, never-abandoning love for the church. Our ability to commit for life rests not on how strong our resolve is, but on having first been loved by Christ like this; when marriage is hard, we can come back to that love for strength.
7. What is (or was) the most important reason you want to marry? Is there any reason that was really decided for you by your family or by society? (Share if you're willing; if you'd rather not talk about yourself, you can just share an observation; first-time visitors can share their view of marriage)
Leader note: Just listen; don't judge. Common answers: reaching the age, parents pushing, fear of loneliness, the other person ticking the boxes, loving each other, wanting to serve the Lord together. Saying it out loud helps in itself.
8. This week, what is one thing we are willing to do to prepare for marriage? (Those who are dating can think about it together; those who came alone can think about it for themselves)
Leader note: Lead toward specifics: arrange premarital counselling with a pastor; only where the relationship is safe, both are willing, and it won't bring retaliation, each write down "why I want to marry" and exchange, or say out loud one thing you are most worried about. If there is control, threats or a serious hidden fact, don't exchange or disclose; seek help on your own first. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read Matthew 19:4-6 slowly, then everyone is silent for a minute. Those willing can pray a sentence or two: asking wisdom for those preparing for marriage, asking God to renew their own view of marriage, or praying for those around them who are being pressured to marry or have been hurt in marriage. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
God our Creator, marriage is your design from the beginning, and you yourself join husband and wife together. We confess that we often think only of holding an impressive wedding, and rarely ask you why we are getting married. Help the brothers and sisters preparing for marriage to see clearly before you the promise they are making, and fill them first with Christ's love, so that they can commit themselves to each other for life. Where a relationship is not safe, give them courage to stop. In Jesus's name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
If you came as a couple, each think about these first at home, then tell each other. If you came alone, you can think about them yourself, then find a time to ask the other person.
When you exchange answers, one speaks and the other only listens: no interrupting, no rushing to explain, and no turning it into an argument. When they finish, say, "I've heard you." If, while dating, there is hitting or threatening, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “Marriage Is a Lifelong Covenant” in the Harmony in Marriage series (Genesis 2:18–25), or “Look at Character, Not Just Credentials” in the Singleness and Dating series (Ruth 2).