Through the Hard Seasons of Marriage, Lesson 11. Read Luke 5:17-26. The marriage is in serious trouble, but you're too ashamed to say anything; you'd like to talk to someone but don't know who.
Main passage: Luke 5:17-26
A paralysed man could not reach Jesus by himself; several people carried him, climbed onto the roof, opened it up and let him down; "seeing their faith," Jesus spoke. When a marriage is in serious trouble, we too need people to carry the stretcher. "Don't wash your dirty linen in public" stops many people; this scene encourages us to see asking for help as an act of trust, not a disgrace.
Some marriages have been in serious trouble for a long time: years of cold silence, an affair, debts hidden from the other spouse and growing ever larger, drinking, gambling, or hitting. Yet to the outside world the couple still come to church together and visit relatives together, and nothing shows on their faces. "Don't wash your dirty linen in public": we've heard it since we were children. We fear gossip if we speak, fear worrying our parents, fear people at church looking at us differently, and fear telling the wrong person and having the story spread everywhere. So we carry it alone, until the day we can't carry it any more.
In Luke 5, Jesus is teaching in a house, and the place is packed inside and out:
Behold, men brought a paralyzed man on a cot, and they sought to bring him in to lay before Jesus. (Luke 5:18)
Not finding a way to bring him in because of the multitude, they went up to the housetop, and let him down through the tiles with his cot into the middle before Jesus. (Luke 5:19)
The paralysed man could not walk there himself; others carried him. When they couldn't get through the door, they didn't give up: they climbed onto the roof, removed the tiles and let him down. None of it was dignified, and the whole room was watching.
The text goes on: "Seeing their faith, he said to him, 'Man, your sins are forgiven you'" (Luke 5:20). What Jesus saw was the faith of the whole group; the text doesn't describe each person's faith one by one. The first thing he said was not "get up and walk," but the forgiveness of sins. The scribes present reasoned in their hearts, "Who can forgive sins, but God alone?" (Luke 5:21). Jesus wanted them to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins, and then said to the paralysed man, "I tell you, arise, and take up your cot, and go to your house" (Luke 5:24). The man stood up in front of everyone, went home, and gave glory to God.
What Luke wants us to see first here is that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins. From this we can draw a conclusion: our deepest need is to be reconciled to God. This does not mean that the troubles in a marriage are all caused by one person's sin, and the text does not say that this man was paralysed because of any particular sin. Jesus came to forgive sins, and to help people stand up again. The scene offers another layer of encouragement too: when we reach the point where we can't walk on our own, being carried to Jesus is nothing to be ashamed of; being willing to ask for help is an act of trust. This was the grace that one man received on that day; it is not a promise that every marriage will get better in the way we want. But we can see Jesus's heart.
So when a marriage is in serious trouble, we too need people to carry the stretcher. Proverbs says, "Where there is no counsel, plans fail; but in a multitude of counselors they are established" (Proverbs 15:22). The people we can turn to include: a mature pastor who knows how to keep confidences; a trained marriage counsellor; an older couple who have come through hard times; and when needed, doctors, lawyers and the relevant authorities. Look for people who can be trusted. Proverbs also says, "One who brings gossip betrays a confidence, but one who is of a trustworthy spirit is one who keeps a secret" (Proverbs 11:13).
One more thing needs care: if the harm comes from someone with power in the church, or the pastor is personally involved, go around that chain of authority and find people with no stake in the matter, and outside professional help. If there is violence, threatening and control in the marriage, safety comes first; this is exactly when "don't wash your dirty linen in public" most easily traps people in danger.
The other way round, we can carry the stretcher for others: notice the brother or sister who is growing ever quieter, ask "Are you all right?", and if they're willing, go with them to find the right people. The church should be just this kind of community: people who know each other's troubles, and who also keep each other's secrets.
1. The paralysed man was carried. In verses 18-19 he could not reach Jesus by himself; those carrying him didn't give up when they were blocked, but climbed onto the roof and let him down through the tiles.
2. "Their faith." Verse 20 says Jesus saw the faith of the whole group; the text doesn't describe each person's faith one by one.
3. Forgiveness first, then healing. Jesus first says to the paralysed man, "Your sins are forgiven you," then tells him to get up and walk, so that people may know the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins (verse 24). "Reconciliation with God is our deepest need" is a conclusion drawn from this; the text does not say the man was paralysed because of any particular sin.
4. Grace on that day, not a guarantee. The paralysed man rising and walking at once was grace Jesus gave on that day; it helps us know Jesus, but it does not promise that every hardship will be resolved in the way we want.
5. Counsel and confidentiality. Proverbs 15:22 says plans succeed with many counsellors; Proverbs 11:13 says a trustworthy spirit keeps a secret. When asking for help, look for people who are trustworthy and can keep confidences.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: What kind of thing do you find most embarrassing to ask others for help with? (Borrowing money, asking for directions, seeing a doctor, asking someone to mind the children... first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light. Many will say borrowing money; some will say they're even too embarrassed to ask for directions. Then add one sentence: asking for help isn't easy for many of us, and it's harder still when it's about home.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers Luke 5:17-26. Jesus was teaching in a house, with Pharisees and teachers of the law sitting nearby. Some men carried a paralysed man on a mat, wanting to bring him before Jesus; because of the crowd they couldn't get in, so they went up on the roof and let him down with his mat through the tiles, right in front of Jesus. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the paralysed man: your sins are forgiven. The scribes and Pharisees reasoned in their hearts: who can forgive sins but God alone? Jesus said, so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins—and he said to the paralysed man: get up, take your mat and go home. At once the man got up and went home, glorifying God, and everyone was amazed. We'll compare this with Proverbs 15: without counsel plans fail, but with many counsellors they succeed. Today we're talking together about whether to "go public" when a marriage is in serious trouble.
1. Read verses 17-19. What were those men trying to do? What obstacle did they meet? What did they do?
Leader note: To bring the paralysed man before Jesus; the crowd was too great to get in; so they climbed onto the roof and let him down with his mat through the tiles.
2. Read verses 20-24. What did Jesus see? What did he say to the paralysed man first, and what did he say afterwards?
Leader note: He saw "their faith"; first he said, "Your sins are forgiven you," and afterwards, "I tell you, arise, and take up your cot, and go to your house," so that people would know the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.
3. Read verses 25-26, then Proverbs 15:22. What was the outcome? What does Proverbs say about counsel?
Leader note: The man got up in front of everyone, took his mat and went home glorifying God, and everyone was amazed. Proverbs says plans fail without counsel, but with many counsellors they succeed.
4. The paralysed man could not reach Jesus by himself; several people carried him and let him down through the opened roof. Why do we too need "stretcher-bearers" when a marriage is in serious trouble? Where has "don't wash your dirty linen in public" held us back?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. When we reach the point where we can't walk on our own, we need to be carried; this scene encourages us that being carried to Jesus is nothing to be ashamed of. "Don't wash your dirty linen in public" makes people afraid of gossip and of shaming the family, so they carry it alone until they can't any more, and where there is violence it can trap them in danger. We should also admit that this worry has some basis, which is why we must look for help from people who are trustworthy and can keep confidences.
5. Jesus first said, "Your sins are forgiven you," and then told him to get up and walk. What does Luke want us to learn about Jesus through this? What can we conclude from it about our deepest need?
Leader note: Luke wants us first to see that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins (verse 24); from this we can conclude that our deepest need is to be reconciled to God. This doesn't mean the troubles in a marriage are all caused by one person's sin, and the text doesn't say this man was paralysed because of any particular sin. Jesus came to forgive sins, and to help people stand up again.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) When we look for help, what kind of person is trustworthy? Why do we sometimes need to go around people connected with the situation?
Leader note: A trustworthy person keeps confidences, doesn't rush to judge, knows what they can and can't help with, and refers you on when needed. If the harm comes from someone with power in the church, or the pastor is personally involved, find people with no stake in the matter and outside professional help.
7. Who has "carried" you at some point? Or whom have you carried? (Don't go into the specifics; if you'd rather not talk, you can just listen; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Just share the experience of being helped; there's no need to say what the trouble was. The leader shares first.
8. This week, are you willing to find a "stretcher-bearer" for yourself, or to be one for someone else?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics: arrange to talk with a pastor or marriage counsellor; make a list of people and organisations you can ask for help; ask a friend who has grown quieter, "Are you all right?" Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read Luke 5:18-20 slowly, then everyone is silent for a minute. Those willing can pray a sentence or two: asking God for courage to ask for help, praying for families in hardship, or asking God to make them stretcher-bearers for others. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person's home. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Lord Jesus, you saw their faith, forgave that man's sins, and told him to get up and go home. Some of the troubles in our homes have weighed on us for a long time; we haven't dared to speak, and we don't know whom to tell. Give us courage to speak, and prepare for us people who are trustworthy and can keep confidences. Make our group and our church a community that carries one another's stretchers and keeps one another's secrets. Protect those who are in danger at home. In your name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
If you came as a couple, each think about these first at home, then tell each other. If you came alone, you can think only about question 1, and then think of one trustworthy person you could go to first.
When you exchange answers, one speaks and the other only listens, without interrupting or defending yourself. Decide question 2 together, and once it's decided, make the arrangement. If there is hitting or threatening at home, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “Stop Pretending You're Fine” in the Love One Another: Life Together in the Body of Christ series (James 5:13–16), or “Keep Each Other's Stories Safe” in the Love One Another: Life Together in the Body of Christ series (Proverbs 11:9–13).