Through the Hard Seasons of Marriage, Lesson 10. Read 1 Sam 25:2-35. Your spouse hits you, threatens you, controls the money and your phone, and you think 'submission' and 'patience' mean enduring it forever.
Main passage: 1 Sam 25:2-35
Nabal "was surly and evil in his doings," "such a worthless fellow that one can't speak to him"; Abigail did not wait for her husband's approval but acted quickly herself, and stopped a bloodbath. When a marriage involves hitting, threats and control, submission and patience do not mean staying in danger. "A prudent man sees danger, and hides himself"; putting safety first is biblical wisdom.
Physical violence doesn't necessarily happen every day. More often it looks like this: say one thing he doesn't like, and the bowl gets smashed; your phone has to be open to his checking at any time, every penny has to be reported to him, and your salary card is in his hands; you're not allowed to see your own family or go out with friends; in an argument he says, "If you dare to leave, I'll..."; afterwards he weeps and apologises, buys presents, says it will never happen again, and some time later it all happens again. People treated like this often still wonder: is it because I'm not doing well enough? Doesn't the Bible say to submit and be patient? Don't wash your dirty linen in public; for the children's sake, put up with it a little longer.
1 Samuel 25 tells of a household. The husband, Nabal, was a very wealthy man, and the text's verdict on him is blunt:
Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail. This woman was intelligent and had a beautiful face; but the man was surly and evil in his doings. He was of the house of Caleb. (1 Samuel 25:3)
David's men had protected Nabal's shepherds in the wilderness, and David sent men to ask politely for some food. But Nabal insulted them: "Who is David? Who is the son of Jesse?" (1 Samuel 25:10). David was furious and set out with four hundred armed men to wipe out his whole household.
One of Nabal's servants ran to tell Abigail, and said something very important:
Now therefore know and consider what you will do; for evil is determined against our master, and against all his house; for he is such a worthless fellow that one can't speak to him. (1 Samuel 25:17)
"One can't speak to him": a single sentence that captures the atmosphere in this home. Everyone was afraid of him. Abigail did not go and consult her husband; the text specifically records, "But she didn't tell her husband, Nabal" (1 Samuel 25:19). She hurriedly prepared bread, wine, sheep and cakes of raisins, rode out on a donkey herself to meet David, bowed down before him, and spoke wisely, stopping David from taking revenge with his own hand and shedding innocent blood. David said, "Blessed is your discretion, and blessed are you, who have kept me today from blood guiltiness, and from avenging myself with my own hand" (1 Samuel 25:33).
To be clear, the text does not say that Nabal hit Abigail; the story is first of all about how David was stopped from taking revenge himself. But it shows us one thing: when the head of a household was surly and evil and disaster was about to fall, a God-fearing wife did not sit and wait because she "must submit to her husband." She acted with wisdom, protected the lives of the whole household, and Scripture commends her.
Proverbs says, "A prudent man sees danger, and hides himself; but the simple pass on, and suffer for it" (Proverbs 22:3). In the face of violence and control, getting away from danger, seeking help, and protecting yourself and your children is wisdom; it is not a lack of faith, nor a betrayal of the marriage. Scripture says husbands should love their wives "as their own bodies" (Ephesians 5:28) and "don't be bitter against them" (Colossians 3:19); Malachi says God hates "him who covers his garment with violence" (Malachi 2:16). Submission, patience and forgiveness: none of these requires anyone to stay in danger. The person being harmed may also be the husband; the principle is the same.
In mainland China, domestic violence is not "a private family matter." The Anti-Domestic Violence Law provides that you can call the police (110) when domestic violence occurs, and the police can issue a written warning to the abuser; the victim can apply to a court for a personal safety protection order; and the Women's Federation runs a women's rights hotline, 12338. If you are injured, go to hospital, and keep photos of injuries, medical records, police receipts and chat records. In other regions, contact the local police and domestic violence support services.
"Yahweh will also be a high tower for the oppressed" (Psalms 9:9). Jesus said he came "to deliver those who are crushed" (Luke 4:18). In his eyes, a person who is beaten and controlled is not someone who hasn't done well enough, but someone who needs protection. The abuser also needs to repent, but repentance is not one apology and then going back home; it means stopping the harm, accepting church discipline and professional help, and bearing the consequences. Trust can only be spoken of much later, and with others helping.
1. The text's verdict on Nabal. Verse 3 says he was "surly and evil in his doings"; in verse 17 the servant says he is "such a worthless fellow that one can't speak to him"; in verse 25 Abigail says "as his name is, so is he" (his name, Nabal, means "fool").
2. "But she didn't tell her husband, Nabal." Verse 19 specifically records that Abigail did not first get her husband's agreement. With disaster about to fall, she acted wisely to protect everyone's lives; Scripture does not rebuke her, and David praises her discretion.
3. The story is first of all about David. What Abigail stopped was David taking revenge with his own hand and shedding innocent blood (verses 26, 31, 33). The text does not say Nabal hit his wife; applying it to domestic violence today is using the shape of this household to see wisdom, not claiming the passage was originally about domestic violence.
4. "Sees danger, and hides himself." Proverbs 22:3 says the prudent see danger and get out of its way. Avoiding danger is wisdom, not weakness.
5. Scripture does not allow submission to be an excuse for harm. Ephesians 5:28-29 tells husbands to love their wives as their own bodies; Colossians 3:19 says not to be bitter against them; Malachi 2:16 says God hates him who covers his garment with violence.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: As a child, when you were in danger (getting lost, being chased by a dog, being near water), what did the adults teach you to do? (First-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light: stand still, run to where there are lots of people, remember your home phone number. Then add one sentence: protecting yourself first in danger is something we all have to learn from childhood.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers 1 Samuel 25:2-35. Nabal was a very wealthy man; his wife Abigail was intelligent and beautiful, but Nabal was surly and evil. David sent men to greet him and ask for a little food, and Nabal insulted them. David was furious and came up with four hundred men armed with swords. One of Nabal's servants told Abigail: disaster is about to fall on our master and his whole household; think what you should do; he is so harsh that no one can speak to him. Abigail hurriedly prepared bread, wine, sheep and cakes of raisins, and without telling her husband, rode out herself, bowed down before David and spoke to him. David said: blessed is your discretion, for you have kept me today from avenging myself with my own hand and shedding blood. We'll compare this with Proverbs 22: the prudent see danger and take cover, but the simple keep going and suffer for it. Today we're talking together about when there is violence and control in a marriage.
1. Read verses 2-3 and 14-17. How do the text and the servant describe Nabal? How do the people in his household regard him?
Leader note: Surly and evil; so harsh that no one can speak to him. Everyone in the house is afraid of him; when something happens they don't dare tell him, so they go to Abigail.
2. Read verses 18-22. How does Abigail act? What does verse 19 specifically record?
Leader note: She hurriedly prepares gifts, sends her servants on ahead, and follows on a donkey; verse 19 records, "But she didn't tell her husband, Nabal."
3. Read verses 23-35. What does Abigail stop? What does David say about her?
Leader note: She stops David from taking revenge with his own hand and shedding blood; David blesses God, praises her and her discretion, and sends her home in peace.
4. Without first consulting her surly, evil husband, Abigail acted quickly and protected the lives of her household, and Scripture commends her. What does this remind us about how "submission" and "patience" are often misused?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. First make clear: this story is first of all about David being stopped, and the text does not say Nabal hit his wife; we are using the shape of this household to see wisdom. Submission does not mean following a violent person into disaster; patience does not mean leaving someone in danger. Scripture praises Abigail's discretion, and also says that God hates the one who covers his garment with violence (Malachi 2:16) and that husbands must not be bitter against their wives (Colossians 3:19).
5. Proverbs 22:3 says, "A prudent man sees danger, and hides himself." In a marriage, what situations are "danger" that call for safety first? Why do "don't wash your dirty linen in public" and "put up with it a bit longer for the children" keep people in danger?
Leader note: Physical violence, threats, sexual coercion, controlling money and documents, checking the phone, not allowing someone to see others, long-term verbal abuse, and threatening with the children or with suicide are all signals that safety must come first. Violence often comes and goes, and tends to get worse over time; and children witnessing violence is itself harm. Taking cover and seeking help protect yourself, and protect the children too.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) If the abuser says, "I've changed," what does genuine repentance look like? Why can't one apology mean the other person goes back?
Leader note: Genuine repentance means stopping all harm, not demanding immediate forgiveness or that the other person return, accepting church discipline and professional help, and bearing legal and other consequences. Trust can only be spoken of much later, with others helping; the person who was harmed has every right not to go back.
7. If someone quietly told you that they are being hit or controlled at home, how could you respond? What must you never say? (Don't talk about specific people; if you'd rather not talk, you can just listen; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: You can say: "Thank you for telling me," "This is not your fault," "Your safety matters most," and then help them find people and organisations that can give practical help. Don't say: "You must share some of the blame," "Put up with it a bit more," "For the children's sake," or "I'll go and have a word with him." Don't go and find the abuser yourself.
8. This week, what one thing are you willing to do for yourself, or for someone near you who may be being harmed?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics: save the emergency numbers somewhere safe; make a safety plan for yourself; go with a friend to the hospital or to report to the police. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read Psalms 9:9-10 slowly, then everyone is silent for a minute. Those willing can pray a sentence or two: asking protection and a way out for those being harmed at home, praying for children's safety, or asking for genuine repentance for those who abuse. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person's home. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Yahweh, you are a high tower for the oppressed, a high tower in times of trouble. Watch over those who are being hit, threatened and controlled at home; let them know it is not their fault. Give them wisdom and courage, and people who can help. Protect the children in these homes. Make those who abuse stop, and bring them to genuine repentance. Lord Jesus, you came to set free those who are crushed; do this among us. In your name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
This lesson has no homework for couples. If you are living with violence or control, you can quietly think through the points below; if your spouse checks your phone or notebooks, just keep them in your head, or ask a trustworthy person to note them down for you.
If it could be more dangerous for this plan to be discovered, put safety first and don't write it down. If you need help, go to someone not involved and trustworthy, or contact the local police and domestic violence support services.
You could choose “Forgiveness, Restoration, and Safety” in the Harmony in Marriage series (Matthew 18:21–35), or “Mutual Submission, as Christ Loves the Church” in the Harmony in Marriage series (Ephesians 5:21–33).