Through the Hard Seasons of Marriage, Lesson 9. Read Ps 55. You've discovered your spouse's affair and your world has fallen in; some say 'put up with it for the children,' others say 'leave now.'
Main passage: Ps 55
The psalmist in Psalm 55 says, "For it was not an enemy who insulted me... But it was you, a man like me, my companion, and my familiar friend." Betrayal by the person closest to us cuts deepest. The Psalms allow us to bring this pain and anger honestly before God; Jesus too was betrayed by someone close to him. He understands, and he can sustain us as we take the next step.
A message not quite deleted, a money transfer that can't be explained, a lie that just won't hold together. In the moment it is confirmed, the sky falls in. For several nights you can't sleep or eat, and your mind goes over those days again and again: so that's what "working late" meant then; so that's what the trip to her parents' was. Anger, shame and self-doubt all surge up together. People around you speak with two voices: some say, "Put up with it for the children's sake and it will pass"; others say, "Why keep someone like that? Leave now." Yet the person in the middle of it doesn't even know how to get through tomorrow.
Psalm 55 is the prayer of someone who has been betrayed. The title attributes it to David; the text does not tell us which event lies behind it. The psalmist opens in deep terror:
My heart is severely pained within me. The terrors of death have fallen on me. (Psalms 55:4)
He wants to escape: "Oh that I had wings like a dove! Then I would fly away, and be at rest" (Psalms 55:6). Wanting to escape is a very natural response for someone badly wounded, and the psalm records it honestly.
What hurts him most is not an enemy from outside:
But it was you, a man like me, my companion, and my familiar friend. (Psalms 55:13)
"We took sweet fellowship together. We walked in God's house with company" (Psalms 55:14). The person we have shared our hearts with and worshipped alongside wounds us most deeply. Verses 20-21 say this person "has violated his covenant": "His mouth was smooth as butter, but his heart was war" (Psalms 55:21). The psalm is about a friend, but many who read it in the light of a marriage feel that every line hits home.
The psalmist also says very heavy things, asking God to judge those people (Psalms 55:15, 23). Words like these in the Psalms hand anger over to God; they are not taking revenge oneself. Paul says, "Don't seek revenge yourselves, beloved, but give place to God's wrath" (Romans 12:19). Leaving vengeance to God does not mean letting everything go: telling the truth, holding the other person responsible, and seeking legal protection are all possible. It simply means we don't have to let hatred swallow us.
The psalmist's final direction is: "As for me, I will call on God. Yahweh will save me" (Psalms 55:16). Evening, morning and noon he cries out, and God will hear his voice. Then comes this verse:
Cast your burden on Yahweh, and he will sustain you. He will never allow the righteous to be moved. (Psalms 55:22)
Our Lord was betrayed too. Judas was a disciple who ate with him and walked with him, and in the end betrayed him with a kiss (Luke 22:47-48). Jesus knows what it is like to be sold out by someone close, and still he went to the cross and gave his life for covenant-breakers like us. Those who have been betrayed can come before a Lord like this, without having to pretend to be strong.
What comes next? Speaking of marriage, Jesus said of divorce that "from the beginning it has not been so" (Matthew 19:8), and also spoke of divorce "except for sexual immorality" (Matthew 19:9). On this basis many churches hold that when a spouse commits adultery, the injured spouse may divorce, but is not required to; churches differ in their teaching and practice. Where the spouse who did wrong truly confesses, ends the relationship and is willing to bear the consequences, some marriages are slowly restored; others cannot go on. Whether to stay or to leave, either is a road to be walked carefully before God, with a pastor and trustworthy people alongside. Others cannot decide for the person, and should not hurry them.
Before that, there are some practical things that can be done first: find a trustworthy person to be with you and tell them what has happened; look after your own body, and get a medical check-up if needed; you don't have to make a hasty decision alone while in shock; and wherever safety, medical care, children, property, or time-limited legal matters are involved, seek independent professional advice promptly and take protective steps first; don't let the children get caught in the middle as messengers or bargaining chips.
1. Title and background. The title attributes this psalm to David, but the text does not say which betrayal it refers to, so we won't attach a historical setting to it.
2. Wanting to escape is real. In verses 6-8, "Oh that I had wings like a dove," the psalmist wants to flee far away and lodge in the wilderness. The psalm does not rebuke this feeling.
3. "But it was you." Verses 12-14 say that if it were an enemy he could bear it; what wounds him most deeply is a close companion, someone he walked with in God's house.
4. Words asking God to judge. Verses 15 and 23 are the psalmist's prayers handing his anger over to God. The New Testament also teaches us not to take revenge ourselves (Romans 12:19) and to pray for those who persecute us (Matthew 5:44); both leave judgment to God.
5. "Cast your burden on Yahweh." Verse 22 says cast your burden on Yahweh, and he will sustain you. "Sustain" means to uphold and provide for; it does not mean the hardship vanishes at once.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: As a child, what were you most afraid someone would "tell on" you about? (For example, telling the teacher or your parents; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light; it's usually some funny little secret. Then add one sentence: the closer the person who tells, the more it hurts.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers Psalm 55. The psalmist says: God, hear my prayer; my heart is in anguish within me, and the terrors of death have fallen on me; oh that I had wings like a dove, I would fly away and be at rest. It was not an enemy who taunted me—that I could have endured; but it was you, a man like me, my companion, my close friend; we used to share sweet fellowship and walked together in God's house. He has broken his covenant; his speech was smooth as butter, yet war was in his heart. As for me, I will call on God, and Yahweh will save me; cast your burden on Yahweh, and he will sustain you. We'll compare this with Matthew 19: Jesus said that Moses allowed divorce because of the hardness of their hearts, but from the beginning it was not so; whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery. Today we're talking together about life after betrayal by the person closest to us.
1. Read verses 1-8. What is going on in the psalmist's heart? What does he say he wishes he could do?
Leader note: He is restless and moaning, his heart severely pained; the terrors of death, fear and trembling have come on him. He says, oh that I had wings like a dove, to fly away and be at rest, to wander far off into the wilderness.
2. Read verses 12-14 and 20-21. Who hurts the psalmist most? How does he describe this person?
Leader note: Not an enemy, but a man like himself, a companion and close friend, someone he shared his heart with and walked with in God's house. This person violated his covenant; his mouth was smooth as butter but his heart was war, his words softer than oil, yet drawn swords.
3. Read verses 16-19 and 22-23. What does the psalmist do in the end? What does verse 22 say?
Leader note: He calls on God, crying out evening, morning and noon, trusting that God will hear him and redeem him. Verse 22 says, cast your burden on Yahweh, and he will sustain you. In verse 23 he says, "but I will trust in you."
4. In verses 12-14 the psalmist says that if it were an enemy he could bear it, "But it was you." Why does betrayal by the person closest to us hurt so deeply? How do the Psalms allow us to bring this pain before God?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. The closer the person, the more we have entrusted to them, and the deeper the breakage; even past sweetness falls under suspicion. The Psalms let us speak honestly: of pain, of wanting to escape, of anger, again and again. God does not despise such prayers. You can mention that Jesus too was betrayed by a disciple who ate at his table (Luke 22:47-48); he understands this pain.
5. In verses 15 and 23 the psalmist says very heavy things. How can someone who has been betrayed hand their anger over to God? How is "Don't seek revenge yourselves" (Romans 12:19) different from "letting everything go"?
Leader note: These words are spoken to God; they hand judgment over to him, rather than taking revenge oneself or denouncing the person to everyone. Leaving vengeance to God does not rule out telling the truth, holding the other person responsible, or seeking legal protection; it simply means not letting hatred swallow us.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) Jesus says of divorce that "from the beginning it has not been so," and also speaks of "except for sexual immorality" (Matthew 19:8-9). After discovering a spouse's affair, how should both staying and leaving be walked carefully before God? Why doesn't the group make the decision for the person?
Leader note: On this basis many churches hold that the injured spouse may divorce but is not required to; churches teach differently. Restoration needs the spouse who did wrong to truly repent, end the relationship and bear the consequences, and trust has to be rebuilt slowly; leaving also needs people alongside to deal with children, property and safety. These decisions shape a person's whole life and should be prayed over and talked through with a pastor and trustworthy people; the group's role is to accompany, not to judge.
7. If a friend discovered that their spouse was having an affair, what kinds of words would hurt most? What kind of companionship would help most? (Don't talk about specific people; if you'd rather not talk, you can just listen; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Hurtful words people often hear: "You must bear some of the blame," "All men are like that," "Put up with it for the children," "If it were me I'd have left long ago." What helps: being there, listening, doing practical things for them, helping them find a pastor or counsellor. If someone starts to talk about themselves, pause, thank them, and stay with them privately after the meeting.
8. This week, what one thing are you willing to do for yourself, or for a friend who is going through betrayal?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics: write what is in your heart as a prayer to God; arrange to talk with a pastor; have a meal with a friend and just listen without judging. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read Psalms 55:12-17 and 55:22 slowly, then everyone is silent for two minutes. Those willing can pray a sentence or two: telling God the truth about the pain in their heart, praying for families going through betrayal, or asking God for wisdom to take the next step. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person's home. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
God, listen to our prayer. You see the hearts betrayed by those closest to them, aching beyond words, longing to fly away like a dove. Lord Jesus, you too were betrayed by one who ate at your table; you understand. We cast this burden on you; sustain us, and do not let hatred swallow us. Vengeance is yours; bring things to a righteous end. Give those who are wounded companionship and wisdom, and give those who have done wrong true repentance; and protect the children at home. In Jesus's name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
This lesson's homework is written for one person. Whether and how husband and wife should talk about this together should first be discussed with a pastor or marriage counsellor, and done with someone present, not as an impromptu confrontation between the two of you at home.
Write it down and take it to prayer. If you can't go on writing, stop and write another day. If there is hitting or threatening at home, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “Forgiveness, Restoration, and Safety” in the Harmony in Marriage series (Matthew 18:21–35), or “Betrayed by Your Own Family” in the Life's Circumstances series (Genesis 37:12–36).