Through the Hard Seasons of Marriage, Lesson 4. Read Matt 5:21-26. After every quarrel, days go by without a word; whoever speaks first loses.
Main passage: Matt 5:21-26
Jesus places anger and insults under the commandment "You shall not murder," and then says, "First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." The silent treatment has no insults in it, yet it can slowly turn a home cold. Christ came first to reconcile us to God; we too can take the first step without waiting for the other person.
After the argument, neither of you speaks to the other. One day, three days, a week. You eat separately; one sleeps in the bedroom and the other on the sofa; anything that has to be said gets passed through the child: "Go and ask your dad if we're going to Grandma's this weekend." Messages go unanswered, though no one blocks anyone; they just sit there. Both of you are holding on to the same thought: why should I speak first? Whoever speaks first loses.
The silent treatment involves no broken dishes and no insults, and it looks more civilised than a fight. But Jesus's words in the Sermon on the Mount make us think again:
But I tell you, that everyone who is angry with his brother without a cause will be in danger of the judgment; and whoever says to his brother, 'Raca!' will be in danger of the council; and whoever says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of Gehenna. (Matthew 5:22)
"Raca" was probably an insult along the lines of "empty-head," and "fool" meant "idiot." Jesus puts them alongside "You shall not murder" so that we see that, in God's eyes, the root of murder lies in the anger and contempt of the heart. The silent treatment contains no insults, yet the anger in "I'm just not speaking to you" can slowly turn a home cold.
Then Jesus gives an example:
If therefore you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has anything against you, (Matthew 5:23)
leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:24)
Offering a sacrifice was a great act of worship, yet Jesus says it can be paused. Here reconciliation comes before worship. Some people serve very keenly at church, yet go home to days of cold silence with their spouse; Jesus's words remind us that what God values is not only how we look before the altar.
Verse 25 continues: "Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are with him on the way" (Matthew 5:25). Jesus uses the picture of a lawsuit: settle it while you are still on the way, before the matter snowballs and it is too late once you are before the judge. It is the same between husband and wife: the longer it drags on, the harder hearts become and the harder it is to speak.
Paul says, "Be angry, and don't sin. Don't let the sun go down on your wrath" (Ephesians 4:26), and adds, "and don't give place to the devil" (Ephesians 4:27). Anger in itself is not necessarily sin; holding on to anger for a long time gives the enemy a foothold. This does not mean every conflict has to be talked through the same day. Saying, "I'm too angry right now, I need to calm down; let's talk tomorrow evening," and then really talking at that time, is quite different from using silence to punish the other person: the first protects the relationship, the second punishes a person.
Who speaks first? The gospel's answer is: God spoke first. While we were still his enemies, he reconciled us to himself through Christ. People who have been loved first like this can take the first step without waiting for the other: say something ordinary first, apologise first for their own share. The one who speaks first has not lost; they are learning from their Lord.
Going to be reconciled first also has limits. If the other person's coldness is part of control—not letting you go out, withholding housekeeping money, using cold treatment to force you to give in—or if there is hitting or threatening at home, "going first to be reconciled" will not resolve it. Safety comes first, and you need to find someone to help.
1. Jesus takes the commandment into the heart. In verses 21-22, "You shall not murder" is extended to anger and insults. God looks not only at the hand but at the heart and the tongue.
2. "Raca" and "fool." These are two insults: "Raca" probably meant something like "empty-head," and "fool" meant "idiot." Both express contempt for a person.
3. Reconciliation comes before the gift. Verses 23-24 speak of a time when "your brother has anything against you," that is, the other person has a grievance against us; Jesus wants us to take the initiative and go first. This does not mean worship is unimportant; it means our relationships with others are bound up with our worship of God.
4. The picture in verses 25-26. Settle quickly on the way to court, before the matter snowballs. The point is "quickly": don't let it drag on.
5. "Don't let the sun go down on your wrath" does not mean everything must be talked through the same day. Ephesians 4:26 says be angry and do not sin, and don't let anger stay overnight and take root. When you need to calm down, you can agree a time to talk later; just don't use silence to punish.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: When you fell out with a good friend as a child, how did you make up? (First-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light: sharing a sweet, lending a rubber, both being made to stand in the corner by the teacher. Then add one sentence: making up as children was often simple; as adults it gets harder.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers Matthew 5:21-26. Jesus says: you have heard that it was said to those of old, "You shall not murder"; but I tell you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be in danger of judgment, and whoever calls his brother "Raca" or "fool" is in danger too. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar; first go and be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are still on the way, or you may be handed over to the judge and thrown into prison. We'll compare this with Ephesians 4: be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no place to the devil. Today we're talking together about how to come out of the silent treatment at home.
1. Read verses 21-22. How far does Jesus extend the commandment "You shall not murder"?
Leader note: To being angry with your brother and calling him "Raca" or "fool." You can briefly explain that these were insults.
2. Read verses 23-24. When you are offering your gift and remember that your brother has something against you, what does Jesus tell you to do?
Leader note: Leave your gift there before the altar, first go and be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
3. Read verses 25-26, then Ephesians 4:26-27. Why does Jesus say "quickly"? What does Paul say about anger?
Leader note: Settle while still on the way, before things snowball; Paul says be angry and don't sin, don't let the sun go down on your wrath, and don't give place to the devil.
4. Jesus places anger and insults under "You shall not murder." The silent treatment has no insults in it, so why might it lie on the same line? What does it slowly turn cold in a home?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. Under the silent treatment there is often anger we won't let go of, the message "you're not worth speaking to." It turns cold trust and closeness, and the children's sense of security too. Jesus looks at the heart, so we can't assume all is well just because there has been no shouting or insulting.
5. "First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." Why does Jesus put reconciliation before offering a gift? What does it say when someone serves keenly at church but goes days without speaking to their spouse at home?
Leader note: God binds our relationships with others together with our worship of him. This doesn't mean worship is unimportant; it means worship can't replace reconciliation. Keen service alongside cold silence at home is a reminder to come back before God and deal first with what is happening at home.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) What are the visible signs of calming down for a while, and of using silence to punish someone?
Leader note: Signs of calming down: saying that you need to calm down, agreeing when you'll talk, and really talking at that time; this protects the relationship. Signs of punishing with silence: not saying why, not agreeing a time, using silence to force the other person to back down first. Ephesians 4:26 doesn't say everything must be talked through the same day; it says don't let anger take root.
7. After an argument, which kind of "cold" do I use most? (Not speaking, sleeping in separate rooms, not answering messages, passing messages through the children... share your own; if you'd rather not talk, you can just listen; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: The leader shares first. Just listen; don't comment, and don't draw conclusions about anyone else's family.
8. This week, how are you willing to "go first"?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics: say something ordinary first, apologise for your own share, agree a time to talk properly, stop passing messages through the children. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read Matthew 5:23-24 slowly, then Ephesians 4:26-27, and everyone is silent for a minute. In your heart, ask: is there someone I should go to first to be reconciled? Those willing can pray a sentence or two: confessing their own anger, asking God for courage to speak first, or praying for families stuck in cold silence. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person's home. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Father, while we were your enemies, you first reconciled us to yourself through Christ. We confess that we often hide our anger in silence, punish those closest to us with coldness, and leave our children suffering in the middle. Forgive us, soften our hearts, and give us courage to speak first. And protect those trapped by cold treatment and control; give them safety and a way out. In Jesus's name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
If you came as a couple, each think about these first at home, then tell each other. If you came alone, you can think only about question 1 and take it to prayer.
When you exchange answers, one speaks and the other only listens, without interrupting or defending yourself. Decide question 2 together, and once it's decided, write it on paper. If there is hitting or threatening at home, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “When Anger Rises” in the Sanctifying Our Emotional Responses series (Jonah 4), or “After Conflict, Reconciliation Is Possible” in the Communication and Close Relationships series (Genesis 33:1–11).