Through the Hard Seasons of Marriage, Lesson 3. Read 2 Sam 6:16-23. Sarcasm and mockery, belittling your spouse in front of the children and relatives, having long since stopped respecting them in your heart.
Main passage: 2 Sam 6:16-23
Michal saw David dancing from the window and "despised him in her heart," and when he came home she mocked him; David's reply mentioned her father's house, and read from the point of view of husband and wife, his words may have sounded sharp. Contempt wounds deeper than quarrelling, because it looks down on the person themselves. Christ was despised for us; in him we can stop belittling each other and learn to honour one another.
Some couples don't argue much, yet the wounds run deep. "That's about all you're good for," a cold laugh, a roll of the eyes; saying in front of the children, "That's just how your dad is, don't be like him"; exposing the other's failings in front of relatives as if it were a joke; comparing them with someone else's husband or wife. A quarrel at least is a fight about something. These words aren't about anything; what they say is: I look down on you.
In 2 Samuel 6, David brings the ark into the city of David and dances before Yahweh with all his might. It ought to be a day of rejoicing for the whole city, yet the text pauses to describe one person:
As Yahweh's ark came into David's city, Michal the daughter of Saul looked out through the window, and saw king David leaping and dancing before Yahweh; and she despised him in her heart. (2 Samuel 6:16)
The contempt begins in the heart. When David has finished offering sacrifices and shared out food among the people, he goes home to bless his household, and Michal comes out to meet him. What was in her heart now comes out of her mouth:
How glorious the king of Israel was today, who uncovered himself today in the eyes of the servants of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovers himself! (2 Samuel 6:20)
There is not one word in this that discusses an issue; it is mockery from start to finish. David answers that it was before Yahweh, "who chose me above your father, and above all his house" (2 Samuel 6:21), to make him ruler, and that he will be "yet more vile than this, and will be base in my own sight" (2 Samuel 6:22). The text does not tell us the tone or intention of David's words, and interpreters understand them differently; but read from the point of view of husband and wife, mentioning her father's house may have sounded very sharp in her ears. The text closes with just one sentence: "Michal the daughter of Saul had no child to the day of her death" (2 Samuel 6:23). Whether this was God's punishment, or the two drifted apart from then on, or there was some other reason, the text does not say, and interpreters differ. What we can see is that after this day there is no further good record of this couple's relationship.
Earlier passages record another side of Michal: "Michal, Saul's daughter, loved David" (1 Samuel 18:20). Later Saul gave her to Palti as his wife (1 Samuel 25:44), and years afterwards David sent for her to be brought back; "Her husband went with her, weeping as he went" (2 Samuel 3:16). The text does not say that her contempt that day came from all this, and we won't invent her inner life for her; this history simply reminds us that a word of contempt is often not built up in a single day.
Proverbs says, "There is one who speaks rashly like the piercing of a sword, but the tongue of the wise heals" (Proverbs 12:18). Husband and wife can disagree, can be angry, can argue red-faced over something; contempt is a different matter. It attacks a person's worth. Someone belittled for long enough slowly comes to believe it is true, or simply shuts their heart.
Why do we belittle the person closest to us? Often because we are afraid too: afraid we don't measure up, afraid of being looked down on, so we push the other person down first. Here the gospel offers a way out. Isaiah says of the suffering servant:
He was despised, and rejected by men; a man of suffering, and acquainted with disease. He was despised as one from whom men hide their face; and we didn't respect him. (Isaiah 53:3)
Christ was despised for us. In him, God does not look down on us, so we no longer need to raise ourselves up by looking down on others. Paul says, "in honor preferring one another" (Romans 12:10). To honour your spouse is to see the worth God has given this person, and to remember as you speak: the one in front of me is someone God counts precious.
One more thing needs to be distinguished. Occasionally speaking too harshly is a weakness that needs repentance; years of humiliation and verbal abuse, together with controlling the money, not allowing someone to see others, and threats, are already harm. That is not just "speaking unkindly," and the person being harmed needs safety and help.
1. Contempt begins in the heart. Verse 16 says Michal "despised him in her heart"; only in verse 20 does she say it aloud. The thorn on the tongue has often long since grown in the heart.
2. Verse 20 is pure mockery. "How glorious the king of Israel was today" is sarcasm. Michal does not discuss with David how to worship; she ridicules the man himself.
3. David's reply. In verses 21-22 he says it was before Yahweh, and mentions that God chose him above her father and all his house. The text does not tell us his tone or intention; read from the point of view of husband and wife, these words may have sounded sharp.
4. Verse 23 gives no reason. Whether Michal having no child to the day of her death was a punishment, a sign of estrangement between husband and wife, or something else, the text does not say, and interpreters differ.
5. Michal's earlier history. 1 Samuel 18:20 says she loved David; in 1 Samuel 25:44 she was given to another man; in 2 Samuel 3:14-16 she was brought back, while her former husband followed weeping. The text does not connect these things to her contempt, so as we read we don't invent her inner life for her.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: What words of praise from an adult in your childhood do you still remember today? (First-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light. Then add one sentence: a single sentence can be remembered for decades—that's true of kind words, and of hurtful ones too.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers 2 Samuel 6:16-23. Yahweh's ark came into the city of David, and David leapt and danced before Yahweh; Michal, Saul's daughter, watched from the window and despised him in her heart. When David had finished the sacrifices and given the people bread, he went home to bless his household; Michal came out to meet him and mocked him: how glorious the king of Israel was today, uncovering himself before the servant girls like a worthless fellow. David answered: it was before Yahweh, who chose me above your father and all his house; I will dance before Yahweh, and I will become even more humble. The passage ends by saying that Michal had no child to the day of her death. We'll compare this with Proverbs 12: rash words are like the piercing of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Today we're talking together about why contempt wounds deeper than quarrelling.
1. Read verses 16 and 20. Where did Michal see David from? What was in her heart? What did she say when she came out to meet him?
Leader note: From the window she saw David leaping and dancing before Yahweh, and despised him in her heart; she mocked him for uncovering himself before the servant girls like a worthless fellow: "How glorious the king of Israel was today."
2. Read verses 21-22. How did David answer? Read from the point of view of husband and wife, how might that answer have sounded to Michal?
Leader note: He said it was before Yahweh, who chose him above her father and all his house, and that he would become even more humble. The text does not tell us his tone or intention; read from the point of view of husband and wife, mentioning her father's house may have sounded very sharp.
3. Read verse 23. What does the passage finally record? Does it give a reason?
Leader note: Michal had no child to the day of her death. The text gives no reason, and interpreters differ.
4. Verse 16 says Michal "despised him in her heart," and only in verse 20 does she say it aloud. How is contempt different from an ordinary quarrel? Why do we say it wounds more deeply?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. A quarrel is a fight about something; contempt attacks a person's worth, and says "you're not worth it." Someone belittled long enough comes to believe it, or shuts their heart. And contempt often grows first in the heart, so it has to be dealt with there.
5. Earlier passages record that Michal loved David, was later given to another man, and was then brought back by David (1 Samuel 18:20; 25:44; 2 Samuel 3:14-16). The text does not say her contempt came from these things. What does this history remind us of? And what do we see in David's reply?
Leader note: Don't invent Michal's inner life for her; just note that the thorns between a husband and wife often have a long history, which needs to be seen and dealt with. The text does not explain David's intention; from the point of view of couples today, one spouse's contempt often draws a counter-attack from the other, and the wound grows deeper and deeper.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) Isaiah says that the suffering servant "was despised, and rejected by men" (Isaiah 53:3). Christ was despised for us. How does this change the way we see ourselves and our spouse?
Leader note: We no longer need to raise ourselves up by looking down on others, because in Christ God does not look down on us; and the spouse in front of us is also someone God counts precious.
7. At home, in what form does "belittling" most easily come out of me? (Rolling my eyes, comparing with others, exposing failings in public, putting the other down as if joking... share the one you most easily fall into; if you'd rather not talk, you can just listen; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: The leader shares first. Just listen; don't comment, and don't draw conclusions about anyone else's family.
8. This week, what words of respect are you willing to say in place of words of contempt?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics: tell your spouse face to face one specific thing you appreciate; say something good about them in front of the children; apologise for a sharp thing you said. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read Proverbs 12:18 slowly, then Isaiah 53:3, and everyone is silent for a minute. In your heart, recall one belittling thing you have said. Those willing can pray a sentence or two: confessing their own sin, giving thanks for the person beside them, or asking comfort for those who have long been belittled. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person's home. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Lord Jesus, you were despised and rejected for us. We confess that we often look down in our hearts on the people closest to us, and our words pierce like swords. Forgive us and cleanse our hearts, so that we see our spouse as someone you count precious. Make our tongues bring healing. And comfort those who have long been belittled and humiliated; give them safety and help. In your name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
If you came as a couple, each think about these first at home, then tell each other. If you came alone, you can think only about question 1 and find a moment to tell your spouse.
Share question 1 first, then question 2. One speaks and the other only listens; when you hear the answer to question 2, don't seize the chance to add "you do it too." When they finish, say, "Thank you for telling me." Long-term humiliation and verbal abuse are harm in themselves and count under what follows. If there is hitting or threatening at home, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “The Tongue Can Build Up or Tear Down” in the Communication and Close Relationships series (James 3:1–12), or “Speak with Grace, Not Grudges” in the Harmony in Marriage series (1 Peter 3:7–12).