Through the Hard Seasons of Marriage, Lesson 2. Read Eccl 9:7-10. Nothing to fight about and nothing to talk about; each of you minds your own phone, children and work, like two people sharing a flat.
Main passage: Eccl 9:7-10
The Preacher says, "Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your life of vanity." Our days are brief, and ordinary things like eating, dressing and working hard together are the portion God gives. A marriage where each lives their own life can, in grace, learn again to make ordinary days something the two share.
Seven or eight years into marriage, there are no big conflicts, and not much to say either. In the morning each goes off to work; in the evening one helps the child with homework while the other scrolls through short videos; at the weekend one works overtime and the other takes the child to visit her parents. The mortgage, the child's schooling, the elderly parents on both sides: everything is arranged properly, except that the two of you are rarely together. Some call this the "seven-year itch"; others say, isn't this what life is like for everyone? You don't fight, but you couldn't say how much love is left.
The writer of Ecclesiastes saw life very clearly. He often says that what happens under the sun is "vanity." The word's literal picture is breath or vapour; in Ecclesiastes it often carries the sense of brief and hard to grasp, and sometimes of futile. Here the emphasis is that our days are limited. Yet with this view of life he does not urge people to renounce the world. Instead he urges them to enjoy their meals:
Go your way—eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart; for God has already accepted your works. (Ecclesiastes 9:7)
"God has already accepted your works" means here that enjoying life in this way is what God has ordained and is pleased with; it does not mean that people please God by their works. Then he says, "Let your garments be always white, and don't let your head lack oil" (Ecclesiastes 9:8). White garments and oil on the head were how people looked at festivals and times of joy in those days. The Preacher does not tell people to escape ordinary life; he tells them to receive ordinary days as a gift.
Then comes the tenderest sentence in the passage:
Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your life of vanity, which he has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity: for that is your portion in life, and in your labor in which you labor under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 9:9)
A "portion" is the share God allots to a person. A husband and wife eating together, talking, getting through hectic days together: these are not the scraps left over from life; they are the portion God gives. The sentence is addressed to husbands, and it holds just as true the other way round for wives.
Verse 10 continues: "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might" (Ecclesiastes 9:10), because everyone will die one day, and the days will not wait. Many couples think: when the children are grown, when the mortgage is paid off, when we retire, then we'll really live. The Preacher reminds us that the days we can live well together are now.
Proverbs 5 has an equally tender exhortation: "Let your spring be blessed. Rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Proverbs 5:18). The chapter has been warning against being lured by the adulterous woman; the way out Proverbs gives is to delight again in your own spouse. Affection is not only a feeling we have to wait for; in the fear of God it can also be nurtured, little by little.
Ecclesiastes sees what is under the sun; the New Testament lets us see what is above it. Christ has risen from the dead, and so Paul says, "your labor is not in vain in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 15:58). In Christ we have already been accepted by God; we don't need our marriage to be romantic enough to prove our lives meaningful. And precisely because of that, ordinary days can be received with peace and lived well.
So we can start with small things and turn separate lives back into a shared one: a meal without phones, a walk together after dinner, a few words before bed about the day, a date like the ones when you first met. It must be said, though, that under some "flatmate" marriages lie an affair, hitting, or long-term control; then it is not just that the feelings have faded, and you need to find someone to help.
1. The literal picture behind "vanity" is breath or vapour. Ecclesiastes uses the word to say that life under the sun is brief and hard to grasp, and sometimes futile or perverse; different passages stress different things, and this one stresses that our days are limited.
2. "God has already accepted your works." In the context of 9:7, this means that enjoying food and drink is what God has ordained and is pleased with; it does not mean that people please God by their works.
3. White garments and oil on the head. 9:8 describes the look of festivals and joy. The Preacher wants people to receive ordinary days as a gift.
4. "Portion." 9:9 says that living joyfully with the wife you love is the "portion" a person gains from labour under the sun, that is, the share God allots.
5. The context of Proverbs 5:18-19. The whole of Proverbs 5 warns against the lure of the adulterous woman, and the way out is to delight again in your own spouse. The verse urges us to cherish and delight in our spouse actively; paying attention, giving thanks and choosing to share life can nourish affection, though they do not guarantee that the feelings will return at once.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: At dinner time in your home, what is everyone usually doing? (First-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light; someone will probably laugh and say, "Everyone's on their own phone." Then add one sentence: a meal can be just about getting fed, or it can be a family being together.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers Ecclesiastes 9:7-10. The Preacher says: go, eat your bread with joy and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already accepted your works; let your garments always be white, and don't let your head lack oil. All the days of your brief life, live joyfully with the wife whom you love; that is your portion in your labour under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might, for in Sheol there is no work and no planning. We'll compare this with Proverbs 5: let your spring be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. Today we're talking together about how a couple whose lives have drifted apart can come back together.
1. Read verses 7-8. How does the Preacher urge people to eat, drink and dress? What reason does he give?
Leader note: Eat your bread with joy, drink your wine with a merry heart, keep your garments always white and your head not lacking oil; because God has already accepted your works.
2. Read verses 9-10. With whom does the Preacher say to live joyfully? What does he call this? Why does verse 10 urge people to work with their might?
Leader note: With the wife whom you love; he calls it your portion in your labour under the sun. Because everyone will die, and in Sheol there is no work and no planning.
3. Read Proverbs 5:18-19. In whom does Proverbs urge delight? How does it describe this love?
Leader note: Rejoice in the wife of your youth; it calls her a loving doe and a graceful deer, and says, be captivated always with her love. You can mention that the whole chapter warns against the lure of the adulterous woman.
4. The Preacher knows our days are brief, yet he urges people to enjoy their meals and live joyfully with the wife they love. How much weight do a couple's ordinary days carry in God's eyes? Why does marriage so easily slide into each living their own life?
Leader note: This is the lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. Ordinary days are the portion God gives, not leftover scraps. Marriage easily drifts apart because children, work, the mortgage and elderly parents all feel urgent, while being together as a couple never feels urgent, so it keeps getting put off; and phones fill whatever time is left.
5. "Rejoice in the wife of your youth" is an exhortation. What choices might nourish affection between husband and wife? How do we tell "cherishing the other person" apart from "forcing ourselves to produce a feeling"?
Leader note: Listen to people's ideas: noticing the other's good points, saying thank you, doing things together, protecting time for each other, staying away from things that draw the heart away. Feelings don't necessarily come back at once, but choosing to cherish is something we can do. Cherishing, in the fear of God, the person he has given is different from forcing ourselves to "find the feeling."
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) Ecclesiastes says that life under the sun is vanity; Paul says, "your labor is not in vain in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 15:58). How does Christ's resurrection change the way we see the ordinary days of marriage?
Leader note: Our days are still brief, but in Christ they are not wasted. We don't need a romantic marriage to prove that our lives mean something, because we have already been accepted by God; and precisely because of that, ordinary days can be received with peace and lived well.
7. Think back to when you were newly married (or first getting to know someone important to you). What small thing did you often do together? Do you still do it? (Share if you're willing; if you'd rather not talk about yourself, you can just share an observation; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light; the leader shares first. Just listen; don't comment on other people's homes.
8. This week, which ordinary thing are you willing to turn back into something the two of you do together?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics: a meal without phones, a walk together after dinner, ten minutes of talk before bed, a visit to a place you often went when you first met. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read Ecclesiastes 9:7-10 slowly, then everyone is silent for a minute. Those willing can pray a sentence or two: giving thanks for ordinary meals at home and for the person beside them, or asking God to help them delight in their spouse again. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person's home. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Lord, thank you for giving us food and clothing, and thank you for giving us the person beside us. We confess that life is hectic, that we often live separate lives, and that we have put last the person we should treasure most. Help us to receive again the portion you give: to enjoy our meals, to speak kindly, and to live joyfully with the one we love. Thank you for accepting us in Christ, so that our labour is not in vain. Watch over those who are being hurt in their marriages, and give them help and a way out. In Jesus's name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
If you came as a couple, each think about these first at home, then tell each other. If you came alone, you can think only about question 1 and give thanks for your spouse.
When you exchange answers, one speaks and the other only listens, without interrupting or correcting. When they finish, say, "Thank you for telling me." If there is hitting or threatening at home, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “Faithful and Tender Intimacy” in the Harmony in Marriage series (1 Corinthians 7:1–7), or “Quick to Listen, Slow to Speak” in the Communication and Close Relationships series (James 1:19–21).