Growing Old Together: Marriage in Later Life, Lesson 5. Read Ps 71. Your spouse has had a stroke, developed dementia, or is bedridden; caring for them day and night leaves you exhausted, hurt, and afraid you will collapse first.
Main passage: Ps 71
Psalm 71 is an old person's prayer: "Don't reject me in my old age. Don't forsake me when my strength fails." Caring for a sick spouse leaves a person tired, hurt, and afraid; we can say so honestly to God, and we must also let others share this burden with us.
After the stroke, life changed overnight. Turning him in bed, feeding, washing, changing pads; waking at every sound in the night, getting up several times before morning. The children live in other cities; they phone to say, "Mum, you're working so hard," and when the call ends, she is still alone in the flat. Some spouses develop dementia and slowly stop recognising people, and sometimes lash out or say cruel things to the one caring for them. Worn out to the limit, the carer sometimes snaps, then regrets it, and carries a sentence she dare not say aloud: I can't keep going; if I collapse first, what will happen to him?
Psalm 71 is the prayer of a believer who has grown old. It has no title, and we don't know who wrote it; we only know that the psalmist trusted God from youth and, now old and grey, is still crying out in trouble:
Don't reject me in my old age. Don't forsake me when my strength fails. (Psalm 71:9)
Both the one caring and the one cared for can say this. When we are old and our strength is failing, what we fear most is being left behind. The psalmist doesn't pretend to be strong; he tells God plainly what he fears. There are people around him saying, "God has forsaken him... for no one will rescue him" (Psalm 71:11). Our situation may be different from his, but that sense that "no one will rescue me" is something carers often know well.
The psalmist's hope begins by looking back: "For you are my hope, Lord Yahweh; my confidence from my youth" (Psalm 71:5). The God who held him up decades ago is the same God today. So in the midst of trouble he says:
But I will always hope, and will add to all of your praise. (Psalm 71:14)
He doesn't forget that there is a next generation listening: "Yes, even when I am old and gray-haired, God, don't forsake me, until I have declared your strength to the next generation" (Psalm 71:18). How a sick old man is cared for, how a carer keeps praying through exhaustion—children and grandchildren see it all.
Verse 20 says, "You, who have shown us many and bitter troubles, you will let me live. You will bring us up again from the depths of the earth" (Psalm 71:20). The sense is "you will make us live again"; the psalmist is first speaking of being rescued from the deepest trouble. Reading on into the New Testament, we know where this hope finally lands: Christ rose from the dead, and those who belong to him will also be raised. The days at the bedside are long, but they are not the end of the story.
God does not want this burden carried by one person alone either. Paul says:
Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)
Caring for your spouse is bearing their burden; the carer also needs others to share theirs. Asking the children to take turns coming home, asking brothers and sisters from church to come and sit for a while and give you a break, asking the local community whether there are home-care services, day care, or subsidies for nursing care, asking the doctor to explain the illness and how to care for it—these are all ways of living out this verse. Asking for help is not a lack of love, and it is not small faith.
Being tired and resentful doesn't mean you don't love. You can tell God all of this, honestly, as the psalmist did, and you can tell someone you trust. If you are so exhausted that life feels meaningless, or you can't stop yourself from lashing out at your spouse, that is the moment to get help immediately, not to grit your teeth and endure.
1. This is an old person's prayer. Psalm 71 has no title and its author is unknown; from verses 9 and 18, the writer is old and grey, has trusted God all his life, and is in trouble now.
2. First look back, then look forward. Verses 5-6 and 17 recall God holding him up from youth, even from birth; only then does verse 14 say, "But I will always hope." Hope rests on God's consistent faithfulness.
3. He names his fear. Twice, in verses 9 and 18, he asks God not to forsake him. The Bible does not require old, weak people to pretend to be strong.
4. "You will let me live." The original in verse 20 means "you will make us live again"; the psalmist first refers to being rescued from the deepest trouble. In the light of the New Testament, this hope finally rests on Christ's resurrection.
5. "Bear one another's burdens." Galatians 6:2 says burdens are to be borne together; the same passage, 6:5, says "each man will bear his own burden." The two don't contradict each other: we carry our own responsibilities, and burdens that are too heavy need others to help carry them.
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: When you were ill, who looked after you? What do you remember most clearly? (First-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light: a mother sitting up all night with a feverish child, someone in the next hospital bed calling the nurse for you. Then add one sentence: we have all known what it is to be cared for, but the toil of caring often goes unseen.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers Psalm 71. The psalmist says: Yahweh, I take refuge in you; you have been my confidence from my youth, and you have held me up from birth. Don't reject me in my old age; don't forsake me when my strength fails. Some say God has forsaken him and no one will rescue him; but the psalmist says, I will always hope and will praise you more and more. Even when I am old and grey, don't forsake me, until I have declared your strength to the next generation. You who have shown us many troubles will make us live again and bring us up from the depths of the earth. We'll compare this with Galatians 6: bear one another's burdens. Today we're talking together about how to carry the burden of caring for a sick spouse.
1. Read verses 1-8. From when does the psalmist remember God holding him up? What does he call God?
Leader note: From his youth, from his mother's womb. God is his refuge, his rock, his fortress, his strong refuge, his hope.
2. Read verses 9-13. What does the psalmist fear most in old age? What do people around him say?
Leader note: He fears being rejected and forsaken; some say "God has forsaken him," no one will rescue him. He asks God not to be far from him and to hurry to help him.
3. Read verses 14-24. What does the psalmist decide in his trouble? What does he want for the next generation? What does he hope for in verse 20?
Leader note: He will always hope and praise more and more; even when old and grey, he wants to declare God's strength to the next generation; he hopes God will make him live again and bring him up from the depths of the earth.
4. Old and weak, the psalmist says straight to God, "Don't reject me." How can both carers and those being cared for learn to pray like this? Where does his hope come from?
Leader note: This is your lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. We can speak honestly of fear and exhaustion; there's no need to tidy ourselves up before praying. His hope comes from looking back: God held him up from his youth and is the same God today. In Christ this hope finally rests on the resurrection; the days at the bedside are not the end.
5. Galatians 6:2 says, "Bear one another's burdens." Why does someone caring for a spouse also need others to share the load? What kinds of help do we often feel too embarrassed to ask for?
Leader note: One person cannot carry long-term care alone; if the carer collapses, both suffer. Help people are embarrassed to ask for: children taking turns to come home, someone covering for a while so the carer can get a full night's sleep, hiring a carer, using day care, asking whether the community offers services. Being willing to ask lets the members of the body care for one another; it is not a lack of love.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) The psalmist wants to declare God's strength "to the next generation." When a family lives through illness, what do the children and grandchildren see?
Leader note: They see how love is lived out in days that are anything but romantic; they see a tired person praying, and a family asking one another for help. There's no need to aim for a perfect picture; honesty is itself a witness.
7. When caring for family, what tires you most? Or who around you is caring for someone long-term? (Share if you're willing; if you'd rather not talk about yourself, you can just share an observation; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Just listen; don't rush to give advice. Thank those who share. If someone says they can't go on or don't want to live, follow the note above about thoughts of suicide: stay with them on the spot, don't wait until after the meeting.
8. This week, what will you do for someone who is caring for a sick person, or for yourself?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics: first talk with the family, then, within what you can handle, sit with the patient for a while, bring a meal, or run an errand (nursing tasks such as giving medication or lifting should be left to someone who knows the situation and is able to do them); help ask the community about services; phone your own children and tell them clearly what help you need. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read Psalm 71:9 and 71:14-18 slowly, then everyone is silent for a minute. Those willing pray a sentence or two: asking for healing and peace for sick family members, for strength for those caring for them, or telling God honestly how tired they are. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for the sick in the group and those caring for them. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Lord Yahweh, you are our hope; you have held us up since our youth. Now we are old and our strength is failing; please do not forsake us. You see our spouse in the sickbed, and you see the one beside the bed too tired to speak. Give the carers strength and sleep, and give the sick your peace; send people to share this burden with us. We will always hope, because Christ has risen from the dead, and you will bring us up from the depths of the earth. In Jesus's name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
Talk together only when both of you are safe and calm at that moment, and your spouse can understand and is willing to talk. If your spouse has severe dementia or aggressive behaviour, or the carer fears losing control, don't do this face to face; go straight to arranging help and someone to take over. If you came on your own, think it over yourself, then share your answers with a family member who can help.
When you talk, don't compare who has it harder, and don't say "It's all for you." One speaks and the other only listens; when the speaker finishes, the listener says, "Thank you for telling me."
You could choose “Caring for Aging Parents” in the Life's Circumstances series (Genesis 47:1–12), or “When You Are Utterly Exhausted” in the Sanctifying Our Emotional Responses series (1 Kings 19:1–18).