Growing Old Together: Marriage in Later Life, Lesson 4. Read 1 Cor 7:12-16. Years after coming to faith, your spouse still doesn't believe and resents your trips to church; you worry they might die without believing.
Main passage: 1 Cor 7:12-16
Paul tells believers whose spouses do not believe not to leave them if the spouse is willing to stay; Peter says that those who do not obey the word may be won by a believer's conduct. A spouse's salvation is in God's hands; what we can do is live out Christ at home, keep praying, and answer gently when asked—without pressuring and without losing heart.
An older sister has been a believer for twenty years. Every Sunday morning as she leaves the house, her husband mutters behind her, "Off again." When she closes her eyes to pray before a meal, he has already picked up his chopsticks. When she gives part of her pension as an offering, he says she has been taken in. The older she gets, the more anxious she becomes: his health gets worse every year, and what if one day he is gone and still hasn't believed? Homes like this are very common in churches in China. Sometimes it's the other way round: the husband believes, while his wife still goes to the temple to burn incense on the first and fifteenth of each lunar month.
The church in Corinth had homes like this too. Some people came to faith after they married, and their spouse had not believed. They asked Paul: should we leave? Paul said:
if any brother has an unbelieving wife, and she is content to live with him, let him not leave her. (1 Corinthians 7:12)
The woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he is content to live with her, let her not leave her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:13)
At the beginning of verse 12 Paul says "I—not the Lord—say," meaning that Jesus, during his earthly ministry, left no saying on this particular situation, so Paul teaches it as an apostle. That doesn't make these words any less weighty.
Verse 14 says, "For the unbelieving husband is sanctified in the wife" (1 Corinthians 7:14). This is often misunderstood as "marry a believer and you'll be saved along with them." But in verse 16 Paul is still asking whether the believer will save their spouse, so he is clearly not talking about salvation. What we can say for certain is that the unbelieving spouse is not automatically saved, and the believing spouse is not defiled by the marriage. Exactly what "sanctified" covers here, interpreters understand in different ways.
Verse 15 says that if the unbelieving spouse insists on leaving, "let there be separation," for "God has called us in peace." Then comes the question:
For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Corinthians 7:16)
This verse has long been read in two ways. Some read it as hope: stay, and perhaps your spouse will be saved through you. Others read it with verse 15: you can't be sure, so if your spouse insists on leaving, don't cling on. Both readings say the same thing: a spouse's salvation is not in our hands. We can't guarantee it, and we needn't despair.
Peter's letter has a similar passage:
In the same way, wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; so that, even if any don't obey the Word, they may be won by the behavior of their wives without a word; (1 Peter 3:1)
"May be won" is a possibility, not a guarantee. What Peter values is "your pure behavior in fear" (1 Peter 3:2): how we live at home is often seen more clearly than any argument we make. The passage is addressed to wives, and verse 7 goes on to tell husbands to honour their wives; whether the believer is the husband or the wife, the principle is the same. And the submission described here never includes going along with what violates conscience, still less putting up with being hit.
So we should let go of the approaches that push people away: nagging every day, scaring them with "if you don't believe you'll go to hell," using the grandchildren as leverage, or secretly throwing out the things they keep for worship at home. There are other things we can do: be gentler and more considerate at home; not drag them to church when they don't want to go; go along with them as far as conscience allows—for example, going with them to tidy the family graves at Qingming and laying flowers, while explaining beforehand that we won't burn incense or kneel in worship; and if one day they ask, "What is it you actually believe?", answer gently.
Our own salvation is entirely grace; a spouse's salvation can only come by grace too. God "desires all people to be saved and come to full knowledge of the truth" (1 Timothy 2:4); he loves this person more deeply than we do. Our part is to live it out, to pray, and to wait. Some in the group may have a spouse who died without coming to faith. We do not pronounce a verdict on God's behalf; what happened in those last moments, we don't know. We can bring the ache in our hearts to the God who is both just and merciful, and it is all right to grieve.
1. "I—not the Lord." In verse 12 this means that Jesus left no teaching on this particular situation during his earthly ministry, so Paul teaches as an apostle. It doesn't make these words optional.
2. "Sanctified" does not mean saved. Verse 14 does not mean the unbelieving spouse is automatically saved, nor that the believer is defiled by the marriage; in verse 16 Paul is still asking whether the believer will save their spouse, which shows the spouse is not already saved. Interpreters differ on exactly what "sanctified" covers.
3. Two readings of verse 16. Some read it as hope; others as "you can't be sure, so don't force them to stay if they want to go." Both remind us that a spouse's salvation is not in our hands.
4. "Even if any don't obey the Word, they may be won." 1 Peter 3:1 describes a possibility that rests on conduct and reverence (3:2), and on a gentle and quiet spirit (3:4).
5. "Subjection" has limits. The submission in 1 Peter 3 does not include doing what violates conscience or goes against God, nor enduring harm; in 3:6 Peter even says "not put in fear by any terror."
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: Who did you first hear about Jesus from? (First-time visitors can share when they first heard about "Christianity")
Leader note: Keep it light. Many first heard from family, colleagues, or neighbours; some came to see for themselves because of the kind of person someone was. Then add one sentence: faith is often seen before it is heard.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers 1 Corinthians 7:12-16. Paul says: if a brother has an unbelieving wife and she is content to live with him, he should not leave her; if a woman has an unbelieving husband and he is content to live with her, she should not leave him, for the unbelieving spouse is sanctified through the believing one. If the unbeliever leaves, let there be separation; God has called us to peace. Wife, how do you know whether you will save your husband? Husband, how do you know whether you will save your wife? We'll compare this with 1 Peter 3: even if a husband does not obey the word, he may be won by his wife's pure and reverent conduct. Today we're talking together about how to live at home when your spouse doesn't yet believe.
1. Read verses 12-13. What does Paul say to believers whose spouse does not believe? What is the condition?
Leader note: As long as the unbelieving spouse is content to stay, the believer should not leave. The condition is that the other is "content to live with" them. You can briefly explain what "not the Lord" means.
2. Read verses 14-16. What reason does Paul give? What does he say if the unbelieving spouse wants to leave? What question does verse 16 ask?
Leader note: The unbelieving spouse is sanctified through the believing one, and the children are holy; if the other wants to leave, let them, for God has called us to peace; verse 16 asks how the believer can know whether they will save their spouse.
3. Read 1 Peter 3:1-2. By what may a husband who does not obey the word be won?
Leader note: Even if he does not obey the word, he may be won by his wife's behaviour, that is, her pure conduct and reverence. "May be won" is a possibility, not a guarantee.
4. Verse 16 is a question: "how do you know... whether you will save...?" What does this give us, and what does it not give us? When it comes to a spouse's salvation, what is our part, and what is God's work?
Leader note: This is your lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. The verse can be read two ways, and both show that a spouse's salvation is not in our hands: we can't guarantee it, and we needn't despair. Our part is to live out Christ, keep praying, and answer gently when asked; saving people is God's work, and he loves this person more than we do (1 Timothy 2:4). Once we see this, we no longer need pressure or scare tactics to "complete the task."
5. Verse 14 says the unbelieving husband "is sanctified in the wife." Does this mean he is saved simply by being married to a believer?
Leader note: No. Verse 16 is still asking whether the believer will save their spouse. What is certain is that the unbelieving spouse is not automatically saved by this, and the believer is not defiled by the marriage; interpreters differ on exactly what "sanctified" means. Don't argue the details in the group; making clear "this is not salvation" is enough.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) Peter says those who do not obey the word can be won by conduct. In a home, what kinds of behaviour push people away? What way of living lets people see Christ?
Leader note: Pushing away: nagging, scaring, using the grandchildren, throwing things out behind the other's back, putting church before family without explaining. Letting Christ be seen: being gentler and more considerate, keeping your word, respecting the other, going along with them as far as conscience allows, and when asked, answering clearly and gently (1 Peter 3:15).
7. At home, where does faith most easily cause friction? (Praying before meals, keeping Sunday, giving, incense and ancestor rites, Qingming grave visits... share if you're willing; if you'd rather not talk about yourself, you can just share an observation; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Just listen; don't comment on other people's families. You can invite those who have been through it to share how they gradually found a way to live together. Don't argue the details of ancestor rites in the group.
8. This week, what "witness without words" are you willing to give at home?
Leader note: Lead toward specifics: leave a meal ready before going out, and ask how their day was when you come back; explain your giving properly; when things don't go your way, don't bring up church; when they mention their health or something on their mind, ask, "May I pray for you?"—and if they say no, don't press. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 slowly, then everyone is silent for a minute. Those willing can mention their spouse or family member by how they refer to them (no need to give a name), and the group prays for them together: asking the Lord to care for their health and open their hearts. You can also pray for gentleness and patience for yourself. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person's family. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Lord, you desire all people to be saved and come to knowledge of the truth. You love our spouses more deeply than we do. We confess that we are often anxious, and have put nagging and scaring in place of love; forgive us, and give us a gentle and quiet spirit. Work in our homes, so that they may see Christ in us; and when one day they ask about the hope that is in us, give us the right words. Comfort, yourself, those brothers and sisters whose spouses have already died. In Jesus's name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
Most people will come to this lesson alone, so the homework is written for one. If your spouse is willing to talk, and the relationship is safe and won't bring retaliation, you can ask them question 3; just listen, don't debate.
When you ask question 3, just listen; don't explain, and don't seize the chance to preach. When they finish, say, "Thank you for telling me." If they don't want to talk, don't press. If there is hitting or threatening at home, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “Will Believing in Jesus Let My Family Down?” in the Questions Seekers Often Ask series (Luke 14:25–33), or “Marriage Is a Lifelong Covenant” in the Harmony in Marriage series (Genesis 2:18–25).