Growing Old Together: Marriage in Later Life, Lesson 3. Read Col 3:12-15. Hurts from younger years—how the in-laws treated me, the years he neglected the family—still come up again and again in old age.
Main passage: Col 3:12-15
Colossians says, "even as Christ forgave you, so you also do." Wounds from decades ago can still ache in old age, and forgiveness does not ask us to pretend they never happened; those whom Christ has forgiven can bring that old ledger into the Lord's hands again and again, and let the peace he gives rule in their hearts.
An elderly couple start arguing, and before long they are back thirty years. The look on her mother-in-law's face during the month after the baby was born; the years he was away on business while she carried every burden at home alone; the savings she lent to her own brother without asking, which have never been repaid. When they were young and busy making a living, they swallowed these things. Now, older and with time on their hands, the memories surface one by one, clearer than ever.
Some people say, "I said I forgave, but the ledger in my heart was never closed." When old accounts keep being reopened, both people grow weary. One thinks, "After all these years, you're still bringing that up?" The other thinks, "You have never admitted you were wrong." As long as the account stays open, life always feels as if a corner is missing.
Colossians 3 first tells us who we are, and only then how to treat others:
Put on therefore, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, a heart of compassion, kindness, lowliness, humility, and perseverance; (Colossians 3:12)
Chosen by God, set apart as holy, beloved: this is how Paul addresses believers, before he asks anything of them. The verb is "put on," the same word used in verse 10 for having "put on the new man," as if we put these attitudes on every day like clothes.
Then he speaks about the accounts between people:
bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, if any man has a complaint against any; even as Christ forgave you, so you also do. (Colossians 3:13)
The word translated "complaint" carries the sense of blame or grievance; in this lesson's setting we might compare it to an account we keep against someone in our hearts. Paul does not say that believers, or husbands and wives, will never have such accounts; he says that when they do, we are to bear with and forgive one another, and the measure and source of that forgiveness is "even as Christ forgave you." What we owed God was a debt we could never repay, and Christ bore it on the cross. The Lord's forgiveness is the foundation on which we learn to forgive others, and the source of our strength to do it. That strength isn't squeezed out by gritted teeth; it is something the Holy Spirit works, little by little, in the hearts of those who are loved.
Forgiveness does not mean treating what happened as if it never did. Forgiveness includes letting go of personal revenge, no longer using the old account to hold power over the other person, and leaving final judgment to God; it doesn't require us to say "it didn't matter." It does not cancel telling the truth, asking the other person to take responsibility or make amends, nor does it stop anyone from calling the police or seeking legal protection; and it certainly doesn't mean all trust is restored overnight. Wounds that are decades old often need to be brought to the Lord again and again. On the other side, for the one who caused the hurt, a specific "I was wrong back then"—with no excuses, no "I had my reasons too"—often does more to help the other let go than ten years of explanations.
Above all these things, walk in love, which is the bond of perfection. (Colossians 3:14)
The next line says, "And let the peace of God rule in your hearts" (Colossians 3:15). The word "rule" originally means to arbitrate, like an umpire in a game. When two voices argue in the heart—one saying "this can't just be let go," the other saying "the Lord has forgiven me"—let the peace we have received in Christ make the call. Paul adds "and be thankful": after walking together for decades, there are not only accounts, there are also many mercies to give thanks for.
Ephesians says something similar: "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, and slander, be put away from you, with all malice" (Ephesians 4:31), and then, "And be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32).
One more thing must be said clearly: forgiveness does not mean continuing to be hurt. If the harm from years ago is still going on today—hitting, threats, controlling the money so the other can't use it—what is needed first is safety and help. Forgiveness also doesn't cancel the other person's responsibility; that can stand alongside no longer holding a grudge.
1. Identity first, then how to treat others. Verse 12 begins with "therefore," addresses believers as "God's chosen ones, holy and beloved," and only then asks us to put on compassion and kindness. The way we treat others flows from the way God has treated us.
2. "Put on." It is the same word as "put on the new man" in verse 10. These attitudes are like clothes, to be put on every day.
3. "Complaint." The word carries the sense of blame or grievance. Paul does not assume believers will never have accounts against one another; he says what to do when they do.
4. The measure and source of forgiveness. "Even as Christ forgave you, so you also do": the Lord's forgiveness comes first, then ours. The Lord's Prayer also links the two (Matthew 6:12).
5. "Rule" originally means to arbitrate. Verse 15 says to let peace rule in our hearts, deciding like an umpire; the same verse adds "and be thankful."
Opening words (leader reads)
What we share in the group stays in the group. There is an exception: if there is ongoing harm, a risk to a child or vulnerable person, or immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, the leader cannot promise complete confidentiality. Normally, the leader will first try to discuss this with the person and share only necessary information with those who can actually help. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is involved, or there is immediate danger, do not wait for consent. Contact a pastor, qualified professionals, local police, emergency services or medical services as appropriate. In immediate danger, get help straight away and do not leave the person alone.
Warm-up: Is there something in your home you've used for decades and can't bear to throw away? (First-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Keep it light: a sewing machine, an enamel mug, an old coat. Then add one sentence: some old things are kept as treasured memories; others weigh on the heart and grow heavier with time.
Lesson recap (leader reads, about 1 minute, for those who didn't prepare)
This lesson covers Colossians 3:12-15. Paul says: as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, put on compassion, kindness, lowliness, humility, and perseverance. Bear with one another and forgive each other if anyone has a complaint against another; as Christ forgave you, so you also must forgive. Above all these, put on love, which binds everything together in perfection. And let peace rule in your hearts, and be thankful. We'll compare this with Ephesians 4: put away all bitterness, wrath, and anger; be kind to one another and forgive each other, just as God in Christ forgave you. Today we're talking together about how to hand decades-old accounts into the Lord's hands.
1. Read verse 12. What does Paul first call believers? Then what does he ask them to put on?
Leader note: God's chosen ones, holy and beloved; a heart of compassion, kindness, lowliness, humility, and perseverance. You can mention that "put on" is the language of putting on clothes.
2. Read verse 13. When someone has a complaint against another, what does Paul tell us to do? What is the measure of forgiveness?
Leader note: Bear with one another and forgive each other; as Christ forgave you, so you also must forgive.
3. Read verses 14-15, then Ephesians 4:31-32. Above all these, what are we to put on? What is to rule in our hearts? What does Ephesians say must be put away?
Leader note: Love; let peace rule in our hearts, and be thankful. Put away bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, slander, and all malice.
4. "Even as Christ forgave you, so you also do." Where does our strength to forgive others come from? Why do we say the Lord's forgiveness is the foundation of our forgiving others?
Leader note: This is your lesson's center question; leave plenty of time. What we owed God was a debt we could never repay, and Christ bore it on the cross. Remembering how much we have been forgiven gives the ledger in our hearts somewhere to be laid down. This is not a generosity forced out by willpower; it is the Holy Spirit's work in those who are loved—which is why verse 12 first tells us who we are.
5. Does forgiveness mean treating what happened as if it never did? What is the difference between forgiveness, reconciliation, and rebuilding trust?
Leader note: Forgiveness includes letting go of personal revenge, no longer using the old account to control the other, and leaving final judgment to God; we don't have to say "it didn't matter." It does not cancel telling the truth, asking for responsibility and restitution, nor does it stop anyone from calling the police or seeking legal protection. Reconciliation needs both people; the one who caused harm needs to admit it and change. Trust is rebuilt slowly over time. While harm is still going on, safety comes first; forgiveness is no reason to keep enduring it.
6. (Flexible question; discuss if time allows) Why do things from decades ago tend to resurface in old age? When someone keeps bringing up old grievances, what might they be waiting for?
Leader note: In old age, with more free time, people look back more; things that were never heard or never apologised for remain unresolved. Someone who keeps reopening old accounts is often waiting for an acknowledgement: "You were wronged back then," or "I was wrong back then." Naming that underlying need offers more of a way forward than settling the account over and over again.
7. Is there an "old account" in your heart? You don't need to say what it is about; if you're willing, say how heavy it feels. (You can just say whether there is one; if you'd rather not share, you can just listen; first-time visitors can share too)
Leader note: Just listen; don't ask for details or comment on anyone's family. Thank those who share. If someone starts listing their spouse's faults, gently bring them back to "how this sits in my own heart"; but if what they describe is violence, threats, or control—matters of safety—do not redirect them, and follow the safety notes above.
8. This week, how will you bring an old account to the Lord? Are you willing to give a specific apology to someone you once hurt?
Leader note: An apology should be made only where the relationship is safe; make it specific, without excuses, and don't expect an immediate response or immediate forgiveness. If the other person is still causing harm, don't arrange any meeting to apologise; safety comes first. Build your action list from this.
Ask one member to read Colossians 3:12-15 slowly, then everyone is silent for two minutes. Each person silently tells the Lord about an old account they cannot put down; there is no need to say it aloud. Those willing pray a sentence or two: thanking God for their own forgiveness, asking the Lord to help them forgive, or asking for help to say sorry. Those who don't want to speak can pray silently—that's prayer too; first-time visitors can listen quietly and don't need to pray or commit to anything. The leader then gathers up and prays for each person's family. Prayer requests stay within the group. Do not put sensitive matters in the app or share them in a group chat. For routine follow-up, first obtain the person’s consent, then privately note only the necessary sentence or two. If a child or someone unable to protect themselves is at risk, or there is immediate danger of self-harm or harm to others, do not wait for consent: contact local emergency services, police or appropriate protective services immediately.
You might begin this way (prayer direction):
Lord, what we owed you was a debt we could never repay in a lifetime, and you bore it all on the cross. Thank you for calling us beloved. There are old accounts in our hearts that still ache after decades; you know them all. Help us to hand them into your hands, so that old accounts no longer rule us, and keep us from taking revenge ourselves. Give those of us who have hurt others the courage to say a specific sorry. Let your peace rule in our hearts, and make us thankful. Protect those who are still being hurt today, and give them safety and a way out. In Jesus's name, amen.
After prayer, each person chooses one from below to do this week. Just one; if you can't decide right now, that's okay.
No need to record it or report it; you're welcome to share next time if you'd like. If you didn't manage something, bring the obstacle to prayer.
If you came with your spouse, each of you think it over at home first. Keep question 1 for yourself and bring it to prayer; it is not for exchanging. If one day you want to talk about it and are sure the relationship is safe, decide then whether to say it. When you feel ready, share question 2 with your spouse. If you came on your own, you can consider just question 2 and pray with it.
Only question 2 is exchanged. One speaks and the other only listens, without excuses and without bringing up anything else. If it's hard to say aloud, you can write it down. If either of you becomes too upset, stop and talk another day. If there is hitting or threatening at home, if money or identity documents are being controlled, if one of you is not allowed to see others, or if either of you fears retaliation for speaking, skip this homework, do not use it to arrange a negotiation or confrontation, and seek help on your own as in the action list.
You could choose “Forgiveness, Restoration, and Safety” in the Harmony in Marriage series (Matthew 18:21–35), or “After Conflict, Reconciliation Is Possible” in the Communication and Close Relationships series (Genesis 33:1–11).